Feeling Better

 Yes, I go through really bad periods where everything feels hopeless and I feel bad and mad and it seems like "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna' eat some worms." Today is better. I went through my list of things I want to accomplish and I made a list of things I like and things I don't like...for instance, I like stretching, combo chair workouts, weight-lifting, and pickleball. I don't like "Sweatin' to the Oldies" (even though I own the whole set), dancing for exercise (I love to dance, but only for fun...don't MAKE me do it), walking for steps/distance (it makes me so tired and makes my knee and hip ache and that's disheartening), swimming (long wet hair is such a pain). You get the idea. I did the same thing with eating healthy, and how good do I really want to be? What's an acceptable amount of "occasional cheating"? What can I live with?

I thought about being healthy and fit. Am I doing it for myself or just so my husband won't be stressed or nagging about my habits (I get it, he really doesn't want me to die on him)? That's a tough one, because it's hard to convince myself that I want to be fit JUST FOR ME. A part of me really doesn't care...if I die ten years earlier, so be it. I have to constantly remind myself that the ultimate goal for me is not to lengthen my life, but to have good quality while I'm here. Feel good, feel strong, feel flexible and pain free, as much as possible. To help my body function as well as possible while I'm here on this earth. That's a tall order. The lazy side says, "Meh, whatever." Constant battle, I tell you. And I understand that to feel healthy and fit, I MUST lose some weight, especially at my age with my specific health issues. But what is a realistic goal, and how strict do I have to be to get there? Is it even possible (often it feels like Mt. Everest)?

And I like to eat healthy...if I had a fulltime chef it would be so wonderful! Having to make it all myself...not so much. I'm pretty good at making large batches of different soups and stews, so that will be good for this winter. And they'll last longer now that my husband and I are the only two eating them. But I digress...

I must find a way to make my attempted habits easy, attractive, obvious, and satisfying, per my "habit" book (these may be in the wrong order, but you get the idea). And I have to concentrate on just one at a time, two tops. When I fixate on the big picture, I get overwhelmed and frustrated, which leads to depression. I have to keep my concentration very small, very focused. If I can conquer just one new good habit, I'm confident it will lead to more successes. "Don't focus on the goal, focus on the process." If I can keep my eye on the process, the goal will follow naturally (like, if I can develop excellent eating and exercise habits, weight loss WILL naturally follow). 

I think one of my problems has been that I have been moving on to a new habit BEFORE the one I've already got started is fully automatic. I start something new and the "old" one falters and stops, because I'm not finished forming it yet. I'll have to think about that one some more. For instance, it's very difficult for me to work on diet AND exercise AND more water AND intermittent fasting all at the same time. It's so overwhelming. One thing at a time, just one thing. Lord willing, I have the rest of my life to work on myself, a teeny tiny step at a time. I don't have to change myself completely. I don't have to change everything I don't like all at once. I don't have to plan on becoming the perfect version of myself (like that's even possible anyway). First, learn to like myself the way I am, because God made me this way and He loves me fine. Then choose a good habit to develop (or a bad habit to break, like toooooo much phone time), and get going, keep trying. Don't ever give up, even when I occasionally stumble.

But health habits have to come first, because I want to be able to get off some of my medications. That's my number one priority. If I'm able to fit in some creativity, some projects here and there, that has to be enough. I can't let myself get all depressed every time I don't work on my BIG GOALS or skip a day here or there. It's not worth it to be down on myself. Breaking my wrist was a convenient thing to obsess over, and a convenient way to put artistic pursuits on the back burner. For a while, I literally couldn't do most things...that excuse is coming to an end, LOL.

For now, I'll keep thinking, keep making lists, keep organizing my ideas. And eating a salad every day. ;)

Feeling....Lost?

THE PLAN. I made the stinkin' thing, I should feel good about at least getting it on paper, where it's not swirling around in my head. But I don't feel good about it, I feel intimidated by it. I put so much pressure on myself and I don't know how to feel a different way. I'm not really depressed, I just feel lost. I feel lazy. I don't want to feel lazy, and I don't want to be down on myself, I don't want to feel disgusted by myself. Yes, I realize I'm much too hard on myself. AND WAAAAAY too self-involved.

I know God loves me. I know He wants good things for me, but I feel He wants good things FROM me too. He wants me to give my best to Him, that's how I show Him I love Him back, that's my gift back to Him, my gratitude for everything He's done for me, and He's done so much. I understand that I'm saved from my sins and from my failings, and that as long as I don't give up, don't give in to my doubts and fears, as long as I just keep going, He's never going to stop loving me, never going to forsake me. He's promised me that. 

I want to love myself like He does. I want to like myself, be pleased with myself, appreciate my gifts and use them and be happy about my progress. I don't know how. I feel like I'm not moving forward at all, but standing still. And I don't actually hate myself, but there's not much love there either. That seems sinful, because God made me, He gave me life (physical and spiritual), He gave me physical and mental gifts, and I NEED to be more grateful about it. Not just accepting of myself, but LOVING me, LIKING me, HAVING JOY EVERY DAY being me. Hey, I wish I could even see myself like my loved ones do, that would be an improvement.

Okay, yeah, I guess I'm depressed, today anyway. And I'll freely admit it's probably partially due to my medication (and some outside pressure that I don't want to get into). There's nothing I can do about that part at the moment. I have to go with that flow. Some days I do feel good, not particularly about myself, but about life in general, and my ability to move forward. But not today. 

It's simple...I want to feel happy and productive. I want to love God and love my neighbor as myself. Maybe I'll try just loving God and my neighbor. Because loving my neighbor as myself implies that I do love myself...right? 

"God don't make no junk." I want to believe that.

"Fake it till you make it." That doesn't seem to be working...I'm tired of trying to trick myself into a better attitude. I want to make that happen for real.

I don't have any answers. I really don't. Gentle and positive suggestions accepted...and simple. Don't forget simple. That's about all I can handle right now. I need something easy to cling to. Please don't worry about me, but you can keep praying for me. I'd appreciate that.

Creating Good Habits - THE PLAN

                 HABIT STACKING DAILY SCHEDULE

Monday through Saturday (Can I do this?)

Early Morning Habit Stack - PERSONAL

7:00 am - Get up

                Poop

                Read Bible

                Memory Verse (s)

                Cognitive Games

7:45 am - Shower/wash up  (wash hair wed/sat)

                Dress to shoes

                Brush teeth

                Brush hair

                Take morning pills/drink water

                Black coffee (if NEEDED)

8:30 am - Exercise - up to 45 min (stretches too)

9:30 am - Pull weeds/work in yard/water

10:00am- Hand therapy

                Drink water

10:30am- Black coffee (if hadn’t had it already)

                Look at weekly/daily goals list

                Look at prayer list/say morning prayer

                Mess with phone

Late Morning Habit Stack - HOUSEKEEPING

TUESDAY/THURSDAY PICKLEBALL 11-1

11:00am- Start laundry (if needed)

                Do one household chore - Mon/Wed/Fri/Sat

                Empty dishwasher (if needed)

                Load dishwasher (if needed)

                Order groceries (if needed)

                Run any quick errands

                Water front porch plants (if needed)

                Thaw meat for dinner (if needed)

                At the end, put clothes in dryer

                Eat a light lunch - salad or smoothie, etc.

Afternoon Habit Stack - PERSONAL AND ARTISTIC

(Saturday afternoons will be open to have company for dinner also)

1:00 pm - Drink water

                Check phone

                Hand therapy

2:00 pm - Creative/Art time - (nap if needed, ½ hr) 

                Write, paint, sew, music, hobby

                Listen to soft music

3:30 pm - Drink water

                Cook dinner

                Listen to helpful book

4:30 pm - Eat dinner

                Drink water

                Put away food

                Rinse plates/cookware

                Load/run dishwasher (if needed)

                Wipe counters

                Feed Cooper

5:30 pm - Hand therapy (if not done earlier)

                Gentle stretches to relax

6:00 pm - Spend time with Frank doing whatever

8:00 pm - Take pills

                Give Cooper pills

                Read

9:00 pm - Lights out!

                CPAP

SUNDAY -

Church

Start a list for next week

Look at appointments for next week

Hand therapy X2

Habit Stacking - I'm Not Sure About This

 I've been trying to create a morning habit stack (per "Atomic Habits" by James Clear) for the past couple of months, with mixed success. It started out good, then slowly degenerated into kind of a mess, because I wasn't clear and specific about time constraints. Some days it would go well, and some days it would get all jumbled around and out of order and sloppy, where I might be finishing up the stack in the middle of the afternoon. Part of me was satisfied just getting ANYTHING accomplished, because my mind is often a jumbled mess too. But a larger part has not been happy with letting myself get all loosey-goosey with my goal of creating good habits. Eventually, I want to have an afternoon stack also, so having the morning habits totally bleed into the afternoon has been a convenient way to not get any afternoon goals done. The creative habits. The ones I supposedly really want to do. Hmmmm.

So I've revamped my habit stack with time limits attached, and I created the other stacks I want to work toward, a little at a time, for the different times of day. Nothing is written in stone. I can always alter my lists to fit my lifestyle better. But it's a jumping off point. Creating habits is difficult for anyone. A habit is something you've done so much it becomes automatic. And I have a few actual habits, but not enough.

And here's the problem. My very being fights habits, loathes being told what to do and when to do it. I've fought myself and my chaotic ways my whole adult life. A large part of my personality IS loosey-goosey, wanting to be a free-spirited artist, doing whatever the mood dictates, whenever I feel like it, wherever the wind takes me. But another part of me, the sane and organized and mature part, the accountant in me, hates the chaotic side, because the controlled side knows that a free spirit rarely gets anything accomplished, has nothing to show for that freedom, and is not productive at all. Such a battle for dominance.

Why can't the two sides get along? When I worked full time for quite a few years, the organized side had to be in control to keep my job! But being controlled by an outside entity really takes its toll on the creative side. I couldn't figure out a way for them to coexist. I had to let go of creativity just to stop beating myself up for NOT being creative. During the last 7 years it became almost completely submerged, dormant. It's been a real struggle to reawaken it and let it come out again. For it to wake up, I had to let go of the controlled side and learn to live unscheduled again...and go through quite a bit of emotional upheaval, sorting through some heavy baggage.

Somehow I have to integrate the two halves of my personality, so that neither is in total control, but neither feels stifled or handcuffed. But how? How can I have some control over my life, my habits, my TIME, and still let that creative, fragile little butterfly flutter out to be free? It will take so much self-control, so much perseverance, and I just don't know if I have that in me. I've tried scheduling my time and creating habits before and it has been a miserable failure multiple times. Yes, I'm scared to try again. But here I go...the next installment is THE PLAN.

Doctor's Orders

 My last post was written only five days after I broke my dominant wrist playing pickleball (and admittedly, my first ever broken bone). Typing made my wrist ache, so I stopped doing it for a while. Now it's been six weeks, and the hand specialist says my wrist is healing nicely, if slowly as wrists have a tendency to do. He highly encourages me to do normal "light" activities as much as possible and without my (new, softer, smaller) brace while at home, like folding laundry. I specifically asked about typing, and he said that was a good thing to be doing, so there you go. Doctor's orders are to type.

But I sit here, not really knowing what to type. I'm out of practice. Because being creative was, although not out of the question, an iffy proposition (handwriting or painting was definitely OUT). The last six weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions and temporarily derailed ambitions. I went from optimism and determination to keep going no matter what, to frustration, depression, anger over the seeming unfairness of an injury that occurred just when I was starting to get my ducks in a messy but functional sort-of row. I would make a list and get a few things checked off one day, and be totally lethargic and depressed the next. Cheerful and philosophical about it being a fun challenge to do everything righthanded (that was me trying to trick myself into not giving up), straight to fatalistic and feeling like the stupid joint was NEVER going to heal (which was partly due to an unhelpful and less-than-forthcoming doctor giving me incorrect and incomplete facts about my injury, come to find out...and an uncomfortable brace that I hated).

I will admit to myself that I DID persevere, just not in a totally straight line. I still tried to eat healthy and I still did my habit-stacking and exercising more often than not. I got better at extended fasts. I even lost a couple of pounds...go me! Looking back, I can feel like the time was a period for some growth and not a total standstill, or worse, backsliding. I think if something like this happened again (Good Lord, please no), I would be able to handle it even better, with more grace and determination and maturity.

Now it's time to start moving forward again. I must readjust my thinking, my outlook on my recovery timeline, my goals, my near future. Renewed patience and perseverance, not to mention optimism and a cheerful attitude will be very helpful. Yep, I'll pray for that...and complete healing. Although I most likely won't get to go back to my beloved pickleball until possibly early spring, KNOWING the score and what I have to do to achieve success is so much easier to live with than uncertainty. Every single time.

I'm back. I'll be here more often. I'm ready to create again...not sure what exactly, but something FUN! Just you wait!

I Am...Becoming

 I am becoming what i want to be. The author of the book on developing good habits spends a chapter on positive self talk, and how important it is to convince your brain that you ARE what you're trying to become. He even says you should say it out loud to yourself on a daily basis, like in front of the mirror, because your brain will start to believe what your ears hear.

Now here's the deal. Not only is this another habit i have to try to add to my morning stack, so I'll have to literally put it on a to-do list...that just feels silly, but I understand the reasoning behind it. Not only do I have to try to develop this habit, but I am a very honest person and telling myself that I AM FIT and I AM HEALTHY is just pushing it too far for me. It feels like a lie. Maybe some day, but not yet.

So I've decided that I can come up with a statement that feels true, but still bolsters my belief in myself and my confidence in what I'm accomplishing. I can tell myself that my habits ARE becoming more consistent, that I AM trying hard, and adding more time and more effort. I AM feeling healthier, more fit, stronger, more flexible. Those things are true and help me stay positive. Yeah, I can do that.

And yes, telling myself that I'm an artist and a writer is true, and it really helps to remind myself of those things. I'll keep working on it.

Writing Prompt #2

This prompt is "Point of View, Setting," and I'm supposed to describe my bedroom through the eyes of an FBI agent who believes I have committed a crime.

FBI agent Agatha Christie (no relation) stopped in the doorway of the master bedroom to take in the full effect of the room before entering, as she was trained to do. There were agents swarming the small house, tossing the place, but Agent Christie was the first to assess the bedroom and she didn't want to miss anything. Even the smallest details could be important.

Looking around, she noticed that there was a heavy four-poster bed, probably a queen, that dominated the not-large room, matching dressers on either side with mismatched lamps on them, a bookcase, rolltop desk, with a flatscreen TV on the wall above it, and what looked like an office two-drawer filing cabinet in the corner with a printer on top. 

There were several "clutter catchers" in the room that would have to be gone over carefully, and a free-standing jewelry armoire that might have something interesting tucked inside, but at first glance nothing obvious stood out. Of course not, Mrs. Sexton wouldn't be so careless as to leave anything lying out, especially since it seemed, from the interrogation, her husband knew nothing about her dealings. This place was probably clean as a whistle, but they had to search every nook and cranny carefully, just in case.

As she entered the room and looked at things closer, the most interesting item to the agent was a small knick-knack shelf above the filing cabinet, filled with tiny tins, the kind that come with gum, candy, or mints in them. The woman had collected all shapes and sizes. The perfect place to hide small items vital to national security, and only a few were not totally covered in dust. "Sloppy, Mrs. Sexton," Agatha thought to herself. She must have been in a great hurry to overlook this "tiny" mistake.