Combo-blog today

 Another Monday, another difficult motivation day. So, I've decided to combine writing my blog with doing a writing prompt from a book by Tarn Wilson, 5-Minute Daily Writing Prompts, which was a gift from my sweet daughter who is always gently encouraging me to use my artistic talents. There are about 500 different prompts in this book to help spark the imagination and get you to write, even if for only 5 minutes at a time. Today I'll attempt Prompt #3 - Memoir, Voice. I'm supposed to remember a place that has emotional significance. In the voice of a tour guide, I'm to introduce someone to this place.

Here at our second stop on the tour of the childhood homes of the notorious fiction writer, Ann Meredith, we approach the small house in North Little Rock, where she recalls most of her earliest memories in her memoir, Memories of an ArkaTexan. This was the last house where they all lived together as a family, and they lived here approximately 3 years. As we climb the steps to the small front porch, we see that there is a stone chimney. The fireplace is in the miniscule living room, and Ann doesn't ever remember there being a fire lit in the fireplace. She thinks there must have been a safety issue and as it was a rental, they were never encouraged to use it. It is a two bedroom, one bath house, with a large sunroom, totally surrounded by windows, which served as a third bedroom that Ann shared with her middle sister, Jan. She has memories of sitting in this room and just staring out the windows watching the birds and squirrels in the fenced-in backyard.

She remembers one time her oldest sister started a fire in the kitchen by forgetting she had something cooking on the stove, and all the smoke that poured out of there. It was pretty scary to a 4 year old. They had to repaint the kitchen, and although she didn't remember it, her sister told her that she accidentally did it again right after they had painted, so they had to paint it a second time.

Ann also remembered a time when there was a party for the adults from church at a house fairly close by, and the kids (mostly teen and preteen) were gathered at the little white house, eating snacks and playing board games. Suddenly they heard the dog barking out back, and the trash cans clanking, and a few of the kids said they saw someone in the back yard. The older girls called their parents at the other party, who subsequently called the police. Ann thought this development was so scary, yet oddly exciting too. Some of the teenage boys wanted to go outside and check it out, but were firmly told to stay in the house. When the police came, they checked out the back yard and saw that someone had been in the trash cans, so they concluded it was a homeless man of some kind, who was gone by then. Of course, the parents came to claim all the kids soon after that, but it was all the kids could talk about the rest of the night. Very exciting stuff for small town kids...

If you'll come this way, I'll show you the master bedroom where Ann could hear her parents arguing loudly several times, but was too young to understand what it was about....

Let's Stack Our Habits

 As I've stated recently, Mondays can be difficult, but to me they also represent a fresh start, the beginning of a new week with endless possibilities and lots of lists to make and fulfill. Sunday may be the first day of the week, but that day is reserved for worship, fellowship, and rest. I recharge my battery on Sunday. But, when Sunday is really busy/stressful/active...like yesterday... and I don't get that rest, that CAN make Monday sooooooo hard. And when I don't feel accomplished on a Monday, it really throws off the rest of the week for me (almost like, oh why bother, the week is already off to a bad start...it's ruined! Yes, I CAN be a little dramatic and defeatist). It seems a little silly, I guess, to put that much pressure on one day of the week, but that's just how my brain and energy level work. So, I have to try extra hard on Monday to make it a good day, a productive day, at least a little in some way or other...I can fudge it some and still feel good about it!

Last night, though, I was waaaay tired from lack of sleep on Saturday night and a very busy-busy Sunday, that I slept great, with hardly any trips to the bathroom or vivid dreams to disturb me.  I actually woke up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the week. So here I am, brimming with plans and ideas. I haven't made any lists yet, so don't hold me to that. Who knows what kind of tangent I might go off on...and STILL feel good about a day/week!!

But let's talk habit-stacking (see, I came right back to it, aren't I good?). In this book Atomic Habits, by James Clear, (that I'm still ruminating on and trying to absorb a little at a time, for the second time I might add, that's how much I think it will work if I really try...it has before), he talks about adding a new habit on to one or more good habits that you already do (it's not a real habit unless you do it without thinking about it...it's automatic). This is habit-stacking, and it makes it easier to start a habit when you stack it on others that are automatic.

Okay, I need to go on a small tangent here. I THOUGHT brushing my teeth daily was a habit, but when I retired and threw my work schedule and morning routine out the window...defiantly, I might add...some of my good habits went by the wayside, like washing my hair on Wednesday and Sunday like clockwork and brushing my teeth without fail...every...single...day. Yeah, yeah, here you're probably thinking, "Eeeew, gross, you actually skip brushing your teeth?" Yes. Yes, I have been doing that some days. Not a great one to toss, as my hygienist gently pointed out at my last cleaning. The point is, that habit was stacked neatly in a very strict daily routine to go to work, and when the routine went so did my strict habits. I've been retired for two years now, and the last 6 months have been particularly iffy in the good habits department. Let's just say I had a physical trauma that I tried to ignore and pretend didn't happen, but I'm slowly coming to grips with my age, my physical condition, and my need for getting back to a healthy routine and good habits...for myself and my physical/spiritual/mental health. I want to feel good! Tangent over.

Needless to say, I'm adding daily hygiene habits back into my morning habit-stacking. Here is the stack that I'm working on right now...the ONLY stack I'm concentrating on for a few weeks.

Get up (around 7-7:30... NO alarm except when I have an appointment to keep)

Morning poop, henceforth called my "morning constitutional" (I have very little control over this...it happens when it happens. Sometimes I can put it off for up to an hour, so I might empty the dishwasher while I wake up. Usually, it happens right away)

During the morning constitutional, I read the Bible, say a memory verse or two from an app list on my phone, then play a brain game to get the old cells working (and test to make sure they ARE working)

These are very ingrained habits. The next part is the habits I'm stacking onto this...

Shower (most days quickie, wash hair on Wed/Sat)

Dress in workout clothes, stay barefoot to do Pilates

Put hair up and brush teeth

Turn on YMCA app on the TV right away and do a Pilates video (I may do something else later also, like lifting weights or pickleball, but THIS is the habit I will develop now). I'm starting this week with just turning on the video. Next week I'll do 5 minutes and add from there

From now on, I'm NOT allowed to have my coffee until that stack is complete.

So far, so good! I feel like today is already off to a good start!

WHAT I LIKE...ABOUT ME

It is amazing how quickly the week can fly by! It's already Friday and I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. If I think real hard, I'm sure I can come up with something or other. Eh, too much effort. Let's get to it!

What do you like about yourself? Now don't just shrug or wave it off like it doesn't matter. It does matter, especially with women. We have a tendency to be so hard on ourselves...I don't know, I take that back. Maybe the current generation is so well-balanced that you can appreciate your good qualities and still work to improve in other areas. I can't even fathom that. My generation has a strong tendency to be very self-critical...but maybe that's not right either. Maybe it's JUST ME.

My inner voice is constantly criticizing me. Of course, it IS my mother's voice. I've never been able to expunge the critic I've been hearing since I was a small child. I won't go down that rabbit hole again today. Like my sister's therapist said one time, "Rehashing all those bad memories and feelings over and over is like chewing on your own boogers...don't chew on boogers." That statement made a HUGE impact on me, so whenever I go back to my less-than-happy childhood in my mind and start blaming my mother for everything wrong in my head, I remind myself, "Don't go chewing on those boogers again." Yeah, it's icky and graphic but it works for me!

So the last ten days I made a list. Once a day for ten days, I listed something I like about myself. Ten things no problem, right? Huh-yeah (snort), right. Yes, the first half wasn't too hard, but the last few days I had a tendency to repeat myself or expand on something I had already listed. It was a struggle, let me tell you. And I think I should keep going for another ten days, just to make myself think about good stuff and like myself for a while. 

Here's the list: (I didn't try to prioritize except for the first one, which is most important to me)

1) I love and trust my God and nothing/nobody will shake or change that (and believe me, Satan has tested that several times in my life)

2) I never completely give up on things that are important to me. I'll start over...over and over. (I was thinking here mostly about things I want to accomplish for myself, like being healthy or losing weight or growing closer to loved ones or God or using my talents)

3) I like that I'm left-handed. It's not a big important attribute, but I've always liked being just a little different in that way, even when it causes a slight problem or difficulty...I still like it! (I was also very happy that one of my children turned out left-handed too...silly, but I love it!)

4) Even though modern thought is that people are not right- or left-brained, but that the two halves of the brain are integrated...and I believe that, to a certain extent. But I feel my right-brain is stronger and I appreciate that, having a more artistic brain. But I know my verbal side is strong too, so they work well together. Go me!

5) I like the physical body that the Lord gave me (the part I'm not happy about we won't get into right now...I have several thoughts about that). Specifically, I like my height (which is just right for my spouse), my hair (still thick and pretty at my age), my nails (hard and shapely), my hands and feet (especially with a nice pedicure!), my blue eyes, my smile (which perfect strangers have occasionally told me is beautiful, lol). Thank you, Lord, I really like the way you made me physically.

6) I like being from the South, born in Arkansas and raised in Texas. Another thing that I didn't have any control over, but I'm still happy about it.

7) I'm happy that I come from a musical family and have a natural love of and ability in music. It has been a huge part of my life.

8) I like that I'm a writer and an artist, and sometimes crafter. I feel very fulfilled when I actually complete a project. (see, expanded from #4)

9) I like that I have somewhat of a natural sports ability. I enjoy sporting activities (some), and I can improve and be competitive with practice. That goes well with my naturally competitive nature (bonus thing I like...my competitive nature...usually)

10) I like that, with the Lord's help, I'm able to persevere through difficult things (like my vocal problem or seizures or my worsening knee), and work on myself and still be happy a lot of the time. What a blessing.

So, there you go. There ARE things I like about me, and on days when I'm being particularly hard on myself about something or other that I'm not accomplishing, maybe I can learn to pull this list up in my head and feel better! Then there's always dancing around the living room. That helps too! Take it easy, babe...you got this.

Mondays Are Difficult

 I was trying to figure out why that is...why Mondays are so hard for getting motivated. I didn't come up with a definitive answer, and you know what? It doesn't really matter WHY they're hard (they seem to be hard for most people), what matters is that sometimes I don't fight the lethargy, and sometimes I do. And I feel so much better if I can look back on the day and see that I gave it a try...I actually accomplished at least a little something. Even if it's just loading the dishwasher and running a load of clothes...lol, this is the barometer for least amount of effort. It's definitely about the least I can do. Hey, I can live with that sometimes.

Today I actually wrote a page on my book. That's a first in quite a while. Go me! And I WILL NOT judge the effort. It might be boring. It might not make that much sense contextually. Whatever. I'll take it. I did something.

I've started a few simple habits to get me going in the right direction (I discussed habits a couple of pages ago). Developing some better habits is on my mind a lot lately. 1) I make sure I wear workout clothes first thing in the morning. Sure, I haven't been doing much working out yet, but I'm wearing the clothes for it! That is the first step. 2) I make sure I write one thing I'm thankful for and one thing in my "one line a day" journal. I've actually been compiling a list of 10 things I like about myself (I thought 10 things would be simple...yeah---no). But when I get that finished in a couple of days, I'll blog about it! No, no...no previews. You'll just have to wait. ;) 

3) The biggest habit I'm developing so far is to eat very HEALTHY...I mean, really really healthy. NUTRITIOUSLY.  It's taking a lot of my concentration, because I'm working to totally change the way I think and feel about food and eating, permanently. I don't want to just eat healthier because "it's good for me", I want to be happy about it, satisfied with it. I want to actually PREFER and enjoy eating very healthy. It's a totally different mindset for me, trust me. I'm not perfect, I know I never will be...and I can be okay with that, as long as my HABIT becomes eating healthy the majority of the time. The motto of the author I've been reading, Dr. Joel Fuhrman, is "progress not perfection". That statement resonates with me because I've always been a perfectionist. I can't even count the number of times I've given up on a goal/habit when I couldn't be perfect or "fell off the wagon". This time I want to be patient with myself and not give up. I want to be happy with progressing and getting better at it, practicing until I get it right. I understand that there will never be total perfection with this...hey, I'm not giving up ice cream and cheesecake forever, but I can learn to be happy with having it occasionally and not weekly! I've been "practicing" for about 2 months now, and I see some improvement, but I backslide on a regular basis. I've been doing it long enough that I'm not making unhealthy choices unconsciously...I know full well when I'm making a choice that doesn't serve my health, but I still do it more often than I want to. I find myself making compromise choices at times, like eating pizza crust when I know it doesn't sit well on my stomach...but only one piece! Progress...

That's all for now. I know this eating healthy thing will come up again, because I'll need to vent about it every now and then. And I'll update as I add more good habits and try to break a few bad ones. Check off one more thing done today though!

Early Morning

I'm sitting here, slowly waking up and coming to life, thinking about the day and what I'm planning to do with it. Cup of coffee in hand, watching the dog sit in the open slider sniffing the air to see if there's anything interesting to investigate or bark at, I remember to thank the Lord for another summer day in Idaho. 

I love summer mornings here. It's juuuuuust right. The sun comes up pretty early this far north (and goes down pretty late!), it's light by 6:00, and it's cool, but not chilly. There's just a slight breeze, but not windy (usually). The air smells fresh and clean (as long as there's not a forest fire nearby...we haven't had any this summer yet). Perfect.

Best of all, it feels like the morning is just waiting for me. Waiting for me to make something of it, anticipating with bated breath what I might come up with. That feels good. One more morning in my life. God has already given me lots of days, good and bad, happy and sad, a never-ending variety...and I never know where each day is headed. How exciting!

Now that I'm retired, I get to choose what to do with each day. Yes, I still make plans and appointments, and I still have standing "dates", like church on Sundays and Wednesdays, and pickleball on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but a day like today is wide open with endless possibilities. I love that! But....but I've been retired for two years now, and I haven't made the most of two years' worth of possibilities. I've wasted so much time.

Oh, I can hear my children's voices in my head..."But you worked for a lot of years, Mom. You deserve to be a little lazy and just enjoy not working. Don't worry about it. Just relax and enjoy your retirement." That's well-meaning, and I know they love me dearly and want me to be happy. I'll admit I've enjoyed a lot of those lazy days. But come on, really? Two YEARS?? That's a LOT of lazy days. You can be relaxed and still be productive...there's got to be a balance. When I retired, I literally had a whole list of creative and organizational things that I wanted to do, that I finally had time to pursue. And I was excited about that. Then..........nothing...zilch...nada. (And I know some of the reasons for that inactivity, that lack of doing anything, but I'm not going to rehash all that now, or hopefully ever again...we're moving forward, not looking back)

What my kids don't hear yet, but I do loud and clear, is that big ole clock ticking in the back of my head, reminding me that my time is winding down, slowly but surely. Okay, I might live to be a hundred, who knows. In that case, I've still got 33 more years! Sounds like a lot. But what if...what if the Lord decides to take me tomorrow. I will have to answer to Him for two years wasted, not fulfilling my potential. Not DOING anything. Not working toward something, not using my gifts in any meaningful way. I'm not unaware of my various talents, I know I have several that I could be utilizing, some just for myself (as down on myself as I can be sometimes, I know I have value as a person with gifts that are unique and wonderful). :)

But I digress. Let's get back to time used or wasted. I'm more and more aware of how short our lives really are, and how much more quickly time seems to pass as we age. We "older" people get that. That's why I'm trying to work on some things, why I started posting to this blog again after several years. This feels like a safe space to explore my thoughts and feelings, to plan, to lament failures, and pat myself on the back when I get it right! And writing this page helps me get back to writing at all, which will encourage me to work on some creative writing...go me!

This "habit" book I'm trying to absorb stresses actually doing something, not forever planning to do something (lol, I've done a lot of planning, not doing, in my life). I hear you, Mr. Clear...loud and clear! To me, this page IS doing...not a whole lot, but it's a start. And on this beautiful summer morning I can be happy with that. Yes indeed. Now I'll take a look at the list of things I want to accomplish today...

Creating New Habits

Why am I able to start some good habits and to make them stick, and others, that I THINK I want just as badly to succeed, I just can't seem to do it. Am I not as committed? Do I secretly not believe in those particular goals? Is a part of me just stubborn or lazy? Am I merely not properly motivated? I have been genuinely baffled about this phenomenon off and on for years.

To help me in my quest to "improve" myself, to create some new healthy habits, I've been listening once again to the book "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. Now, I listened to this book once before and it did help me to start a few great habits that I'm still clinging to, years later (not sure how many years...I'd say at least 5). And YAY! I also found that I have the book on my Kindle app, so I can refer to stuff easier! I'm so excited about that...I was thinking I'd have to listen to the whole book AGAIN so I could take notes, but I can just skip to the parts I want....like....now!

Before I get to specifics about the "how" of developing my new habits, I want to explore some reasons I think a couple of my other habits were "easy" to get started and stick to, where others are so difficult at times to even start, much less stick to once I've started. Let's take two habits that I started some time in the last 5-20 years that have stuck and become automatic...or at least almost... (like they're supposed to), where I don't even have to think about them. They're just a part of my routine. One is flossing my teeth, and the other is reading my Bible every day.

Everyone has certain things that are very important to them, and a deep-seated dear wish/need for me is to draw ever nearer to my Creator. At one point, with a New Year's resolution, I made up my mind that one way to get closer to the mind of God would be to read His Word on a regular basis. To me it's like letting God in, letting Him talk to me daily. The part that could have been difficult was when to do it? When could I put it into my routine and have it stick? Well, this will sound silly but I found a habitual time of day when I literally wasn't doing anything productive...first thing in the morning, when I'm on the toilet. I know, I know....eeeeewwwwww. But stay with me here. (LOL, there's only one person who will read this, so I'm not too worried about grossing people out.)

I'm blessed (and cursed at times) with a very regular colon. Sometimes I can put it off for a while, even a few hours. But the vast majority of the time, within a half hour of getting up, I have GOT to go...no choice. And it's not a quick process. I live with a mate who can go in and be done within ten minutes! I am so envious of that ability. For various reasons, I am determined to only go once a day, so I must sit there and "get it all out", which takes 30-45 minutes. I've been this way for many years, so my mornings are regulated around it. Before I retired, I made sure I got up an hour and a half to two hours before I had to leave for work...plenty of time to sit a while, then shower and dress for work. So here's this time frame where it was easy to start a new habit and stick to it...and even like it (big reason for success in my book). 

I calculated how much I needed to read each day to read through the whole Bible in a year. I read four chapters per day while in the Old Testament, then once I get to the New Testament I read two chapters per day. And I usually finish by the end of November, so I go back and re-read Psalms, because it is the most enjoyable and uplifting book for me personally. I've been able to read through the whole Bible at least 4 times (I've kind of lost count by now). And every year, I glean some new insight into various books, chapters, verses. I don't feel pressured to do anything more than read. I get deeper study in several ways with my church family, so I can just let God talk to me every morning. It's satisfying. It's rewarding. It starts my day off better than if I sat there and played a mindless phone game (which is another habit I DON'T want that I'm working to rid myself of). There are so many ways I criticize myself and my bad habits, my imperfections, but this is ONE way I can feel good about a choice and a habit.

I'll make the other one quicker! Quite a few years ago now, at least 15, I was visiting the dentist and had my regular cleaning and checkup. The dentist came in and talked to me very frankly. He said they were going to have to do a deep-scale cleaning, which would take two visits. Okaaaaay (very unpleasant experience if you don't know...deep-scale means below the gum line, painful with quite a bit of bleeding...a thing I never wanted to repeat, big motivation right there). Then he looked me in the eye and told me if I didn't start taking much better care of my teeth and gums, I was going to start losing teeth. Now THAT struck a deep chord in me, because I came from a generation that did NOT floss. My parents didn't do that, and my grandparents certainly didn't do it. But the kicker is that ALL my grandparents had dentures by the time I came along, and my mother took pretty good care of her teeth, but had lost several of her back teeth by the time I was grown. My dad died pretty young, 48, but he had already lost several teeth by then too. I knew just one thing....I DID NOT WANT TO WEAR DENTURES. I wanted to keep my own teeth for as long as possible. It was a huge motivation for me.

We moved and I started with a new dentist soon after that, and after a year, the new dentist told me I must be doing something right, because my gums looked 10 years younger. Hallelujah! That too made a huge impression on me. I felt so great about that. But still, flossing is an up and down habit, much harder to maintain, because I just can't seem to make myself do it daily...it's tedious and there's nothing fun or uplifting about it, except the satisfaction of having done it. My goal is to do it at least 3 times a week, and when I manage that my semi-annual cleanings go well and quickly, with very little bleeding. But since I retired, the dental habits have been more sporadic, and I'll admit it, lazier. My last visit was a reminder of my goal! More scraping, more bleeding, some gingivitis, according to the hygienist. Wake up call! This is the first visit in many years where the lady cleaning my teeth hasn't praised me for my good habits. That's IT, baby. Back to basics for me. But that means getting back to a good habit, which I thought I'd never have to start again. Never say never! But I'm determined to improve, have an easier cleaning, and get praised again!! 

Okay, so now I've told about starting and keeping (or not) two good habits. We'll analyze how to accomplish that again. Next time....

SIX AND A HALF YEARS - WOW!

 Hey, guess what? I haven't changed. Not even a little bit. Oh, I have a few new bits of news in my life (like being retired, in so-so health, and discovering the joy of pickleball), and there have been lots of changes around me. But me, as a person, haven't changed at all. I'm still the same whiner I was 6.5 years ago. I'm still anxious and dissatisfied about the same things I was back then. I know that because I went back and read quite a few of my old posts, and BOY, do I sound like a broken record. I'll bet my husband and kids get really sick of my moaning and groaning about myself. "So stop griping already and DO something," I'm sure they're thinking to themselves.

And you know what? That's okay. It's okay that I'm the same person I've always been, with the same strengths and weaknesses. I'm okay with that. I realize I can't change my basic personality and nature. And that's okay too. I like me just fine, thank you very much. No, I'm never satisfied with my habits or my lack of ambition. I'm a perfectionist, I'll own that. But looking back, there's one thing that I can't complain about, that I can actually be proud of. I never give up. I never let my inadequacies get me down altogether. I keep on trying. I keep on looking for ways to improve myself and my habits. I keep setting goals and trying to reach them (and hey! sometimes I actually succeed!).

I have a good life, and I'm so grateful for it. I'm a child of God, who loves me and saved me from my sins (and loves me in spite of my imperfections and complaining about them). He created me, and He did a great job. It's up to me to make something of it. I have a sweet and loving husband that I still love and LIKE. Someone who cares for me and fusses over me when I need it and lets me fuss over him when he needs it. I have children and grandchildren that I love dearly and who love me back. I have a church family that cares for me and lets me be myself but always encourages me forward. I have friends and loved ones all across the nation. I have a home and a car and plenty of "stuff" to feel comfortable and satisfied materially. 

I have talents and abilities that I want to develop further, and PRAISE THE LORD, my mind still works just fine. And that's what I want to explore. Ways to improve my habits and productivity (and health). No whining, no complaining, no hating myself and my shortcomings. Just journalling the journey. Let's see where it goes.