Early Morning

I'm sitting here, slowly waking up and coming to life, thinking about the day and what I'm planning to do with it. Cup of coffee in hand, watching the dog sit in the open slider sniffing the air to see if there's anything interesting to investigate or bark at, I remember to thank the Lord for another summer day in Idaho. 

I love summer mornings here. It's juuuuuust right. The sun comes up pretty early this far north (and goes down pretty late!), it's light by 6:00, and it's cool, but not chilly. There's just a slight breeze, but not windy (usually). The air smells fresh and clean (as long as there's not a forest fire nearby...we haven't had any this summer yet). Perfect.

Best of all, it feels like the morning is just waiting for me. Waiting for me to make something of it, anticipating with bated breath what I might come up with. That feels good. One more morning in my life. God has already given me lots of days, good and bad, happy and sad, a never-ending variety...and I never know where each day is headed. How exciting!

Now that I'm retired, I get to choose what to do with each day. Yes, I still make plans and appointments, and I still have standing "dates", like church on Sundays and Wednesdays, and pickleball on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but a day like today is wide open with endless possibilities. I love that! But....but I've been retired for two years now, and I haven't made the most of two years' worth of possibilities. I've wasted so much time.

Oh, I can hear my children's voices in my head..."But you worked for a lot of years, Mom. You deserve to be a little lazy and just enjoy not working. Don't worry about it. Just relax and enjoy your retirement." That's well-meaning, and I know they love me dearly and want me to be happy. I'll admit I've enjoyed a lot of those lazy days. But come on, really? Two YEARS?? That's a LOT of lazy days. You can be relaxed and still be productive...there's got to be a balance. When I retired, I literally had a whole list of creative and organizational things that I wanted to do, that I finally had time to pursue. And I was excited about that. Then..........nothing...zilch...nada. (And I know some of the reasons for that inactivity, that lack of doing anything, but I'm not going to rehash all that now, or hopefully ever again...we're moving forward, not looking back)

What my kids don't hear yet, but I do loud and clear, is that big ole clock ticking in the back of my head, reminding me that my time is winding down, slowly but surely. Okay, I might live to be a hundred, who knows. In that case, I've still got 33 more years! Sounds like a lot. But what if...what if the Lord decides to take me tomorrow. I will have to answer to Him for two years wasted, not fulfilling my potential. Not DOING anything. Not working toward something, not using my gifts in any meaningful way. I'm not unaware of my various talents, I know I have several that I could be utilizing, some just for myself (as down on myself as I can be sometimes, I know I have value as a person with gifts that are unique and wonderful). :)

But I digress. Let's get back to time used or wasted. I'm more and more aware of how short our lives really are, and how much more quickly time seems to pass as we age. We "older" people get that. That's why I'm trying to work on some things, why I started posting to this blog again after several years. This feels like a safe space to explore my thoughts and feelings, to plan, to lament failures, and pat myself on the back when I get it right! And writing this page helps me get back to writing at all, which will encourage me to work on some creative writing...go me!

This "habit" book I'm trying to absorb stresses actually doing something, not forever planning to do something (lol, I've done a lot of planning, not doing, in my life). I hear you, Mr. Clear...loud and clear! To me, this page IS doing...not a whole lot, but it's a start. And on this beautiful summer morning I can be happy with that. Yes indeed. Now I'll take a look at the list of things I want to accomplish today...

Creating New Habits

Why am I able to start some good habits and to make them stick, and others, that I THINK I want just as badly to succeed, I just can't seem to do it. Am I not as committed? Do I secretly not believe in those particular goals? Is a part of me just stubborn or lazy? Am I merely not properly motivated? I have been genuinely baffled about this phenomenon off and on for years.

To help me in my quest to "improve" myself, to create some new healthy habits, I've been listening once again to the book "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. Now, I listened to this book once before and it did help me to start a few great habits that I'm still clinging to, years later (not sure how many years...I'd say at least 5). And YAY! I also found that I have the book on my Kindle app, so I can refer to stuff easier! I'm so excited about that...I was thinking I'd have to listen to the whole book AGAIN so I could take notes, but I can just skip to the parts I want....like....now!

Before I get to specifics about the "how" of developing my new habits, I want to explore some reasons I think a couple of my other habits were "easy" to get started and stick to, where others are so difficult at times to even start, much less stick to once I've started. Let's take two habits that I started some time in the last 5-20 years that have stuck and become automatic...or at least almost... (like they're supposed to), where I don't even have to think about them. They're just a part of my routine. One is flossing my teeth, and the other is reading my Bible every day.

Everyone has certain things that are very important to them, and a deep-seated dear wish/need for me is to draw ever nearer to my Creator. At one point, with a New Year's resolution, I made up my mind that one way to get closer to the mind of God would be to read His Word on a regular basis. To me it's like letting God in, letting Him talk to me daily. The part that could have been difficult was when to do it? When could I put it into my routine and have it stick? Well, this will sound silly but I found a habitual time of day when I literally wasn't doing anything productive...first thing in the morning, when I'm on the toilet. I know, I know....eeeeewwwwww. But stay with me here. (LOL, there's only one person who will read this, so I'm not too worried about grossing people out.)

I'm blessed (and cursed at times) with a very regular colon. Sometimes I can put it off for a while, even a few hours. But the vast majority of the time, within a half hour of getting up, I have GOT to go...no choice. And it's not a quick process. I live with a mate who can go in and be done within ten minutes! I am so envious of that ability. For various reasons, I am determined to only go once a day, so I must sit there and "get it all out", which takes 30-45 minutes. I've been this way for many years, so my mornings are regulated around it. Before I retired, I made sure I got up an hour and a half to two hours before I had to leave for work...plenty of time to sit a while, then shower and dress for work. So here's this time frame where it was easy to start a new habit and stick to it...and even like it (big reason for success in my book). 

I calculated how much I needed to read each day to read through the whole Bible in a year. I read four chapters per day while in the Old Testament, then once I get to the New Testament I read two chapters per day. And I usually finish by the end of November, so I go back and re-read Psalms, because it is the most enjoyable and uplifting book for me personally. I've been able to read through the whole Bible at least 4 times (I've kind of lost count by now). And every year, I glean some new insight into various books, chapters, verses. I don't feel pressured to do anything more than read. I get deeper study in several ways with my church family, so I can just let God talk to me every morning. It's satisfying. It's rewarding. It starts my day off better than if I sat there and played a mindless phone game (which is another habit I DON'T want that I'm working to rid myself of). There are so many ways I criticize myself and my bad habits, my imperfections, but this is ONE way I can feel good about a choice and a habit.

I'll make the other one quicker! Quite a few years ago now, at least 15, I was visiting the dentist and had my regular cleaning and checkup. The dentist came in and talked to me very frankly. He said they were going to have to do a deep-scale cleaning, which would take two visits. Okaaaaay (very unpleasant experience if you don't know...deep-scale means below the gum line, painful with quite a bit of bleeding...a thing I never wanted to repeat, big motivation right there). Then he looked me in the eye and told me if I didn't start taking much better care of my teeth and gums, I was going to start losing teeth. Now THAT struck a deep chord in me, because I came from a generation that did NOT floss. My parents didn't do that, and my grandparents certainly didn't do it. But the kicker is that ALL my grandparents had dentures by the time I came along, and my mother took pretty good care of her teeth, but had lost several of her back teeth by the time I was grown. My dad died pretty young, 48, but he had already lost several teeth by then too. I knew just one thing....I DID NOT WANT TO WEAR DENTURES. I wanted to keep my own teeth for as long as possible. It was a huge motivation for me.

We moved and I started with a new dentist soon after that, and after a year, the new dentist told me I must be doing something right, because my gums looked 10 years younger. Hallelujah! That too made a huge impression on me. I felt so great about that. But still, flossing is an up and down habit, much harder to maintain, because I just can't seem to make myself do it daily...it's tedious and there's nothing fun or uplifting about it, except the satisfaction of having done it. My goal is to do it at least 3 times a week, and when I manage that my semi-annual cleanings go well and quickly, with very little bleeding. But since I retired, the dental habits have been more sporadic, and I'll admit it, lazier. My last visit was a reminder of my goal! More scraping, more bleeding, some gingivitis, according to the hygienist. Wake up call! This is the first visit in many years where the lady cleaning my teeth hasn't praised me for my good habits. That's IT, baby. Back to basics for me. But that means getting back to a good habit, which I thought I'd never have to start again. Never say never! But I'm determined to improve, have an easier cleaning, and get praised again!! 

Okay, so now I've told about starting and keeping (or not) two good habits. We'll analyze how to accomplish that again. Next time....

SIX AND A HALF YEARS - WOW!

 Hey, guess what? I haven't changed. Not even a little bit. Oh, I have a few new bits of news in my life (like being retired, in so-so health, and discovering the joy of pickleball), and there have been lots of changes around me. But me, as a person, haven't changed at all. I'm still the same whiner I was 6.5 years ago. I'm still anxious and dissatisfied about the same things I was back then. I know that because I went back and read quite a few of my old posts, and BOY, do I sound like a broken record. I'll bet my husband and kids get really sick of my moaning and groaning about myself. "So stop griping already and DO something," I'm sure they're thinking to themselves.

And you know what? That's okay. It's okay that I'm the same person I've always been, with the same strengths and weaknesses. I'm okay with that. I realize I can't change my basic personality and nature. And that's okay too. I like me just fine, thank you very much. No, I'm never satisfied with my habits or my lack of ambition. I'm a perfectionist, I'll own that. But looking back, there's one thing that I can't complain about, that I can actually be proud of. I never give up. I never let my inadequacies get me down altogether. I keep on trying. I keep on looking for ways to improve myself and my habits. I keep setting goals and trying to reach them (and hey! sometimes I actually succeed!).

I have a good life, and I'm so grateful for it. I'm a child of God, who loves me and saved me from my sins (and loves me in spite of my imperfections and complaining about them). He created me, and He did a great job. It's up to me to make something of it. I have a sweet and loving husband that I still love and LIKE. Someone who cares for me and fusses over me when I need it and lets me fuss over him when he needs it. I have children and grandchildren that I love dearly and who love me back. I have a church family that cares for me and lets me be myself but always encourages me forward. I have friends and loved ones all across the nation. I have a home and a car and plenty of "stuff" to feel comfortable and satisfied materially. 

I have talents and abilities that I want to develop further, and PRAISE THE LORD, my mind still works just fine. And that's what I want to explore. Ways to improve my habits and productivity (and health). No whining, no complaining, no hating myself and my shortcomings. Just journalling the journey. Let's see where it goes.

Stick-to-it-iveness

Hi, followers (and others),

I have written at length in the past about my "procrastination challenge." Hmmmm. Well. I have another personality challenge to share with you all. Aren't you just itching to know all about it? I know, my life is full of exciting and juicy details and adventures. Hold onto your hats, it's another doozy. No clues from the title, huh?

I have a small problem not finishing what I start. A problem with getting started AND with completing things?? NO! Say it ain't so! It's true. I have a long history of giving up on projects looooong before they're done. For various reasons....I get bored with it, it's not as fun to do as it was to think about doing, it's too hard, it's not going the way I envisioned, I've hit a wall with ideas or ways to overcome a problem, I just don't have a passion for it, I just don't like it! Hence, my long list of unfinished projects. Once in a while, I have even been known to throw something away if I absolutely don't want to go back to it, but looking at it makes me feel guilty for not completing it (case in point...I started a cross stitch picture of a swan for my mother one year...for Christmas...and was probably 80% done with it when I stopped working on it. I just didn't finish it. I didn't want to finish it, I was so sick of that stinkin' swan. I didn't want to look at it ever again, for reasons I don't want to go into...but it took me at least 5 years to finally get rid of it, because I kept thinking I SHOULD finish it, when my sister told me to stop feeling guilty about a dumb picture and toss it...so I did). That's just one example and one reason....it feels like there are myriads of both.

Not that I NEVER finish anything, of course I do! But just like getting STARTED on a project, I have to have a good REASON to do it, and I have to have the proper passion or motivation to FINISH one also. Like it's a gift for someone else or someone is really counting on me to do it....that's usually a good one to get me to start AND finish something. Usually, but not always.... and just because I thought of it and it's a really good idea and I get excited about it, that's not usually enough to keep me going all the way to completion. And I'm not sure why (LOL, this is where my not really caring enough about the why to pursue it comes in!). Probably because I get overwhelmed with the magnitude of the project, I get daunted with the seemingly ENDLESS steps to the project. For example, I have a really good idea for a children's book, and even started planning the storyboard and watercolors for it and taking pictures to paint from, and ALMOST got the first painting started....a year ago. Doing a project just for myself? Uh, no. Rarely. Even when I know deep down it could be GREAT? No.

Perhaps, in some way, I don't feel worthy to invest the time and effort just for my own pleasure or feeling of accomplishment. It's only worth doing if it's for someone else. Yeah, that sounds about right. Putting it on paper, right out there in the light of day, it sounds really dumb. But false negative self-perceptions are really dumb, however real they feel and damaging they ARE. I will just keep fighting against those lies, those damaging feelings. And yeah, I have several new ideas. I wonder where they will take me? Anywhere? I have hope.

Post-Move Update

Hey, my faithful few!

Well, as most of you know, I DID finally start packing boxes...about 10 days before my move to the little rural burg of Caldwell, Idaho. It got done, with the help of several good friends, who kept me moving forward and somewhat focused on the task. And I was able to downsize and de-clutterfy (of course that's a word!) quite a bit. I had no choice, the house we bought is literally half the size of our old Big House. I couldn't be happier with the size of this house! So many LESS places to stash unneeded stuff!! Of course, once we were moved in, I came to the realization that I can do without about 5 or 6 more boxes worth of stuff. Ah well, I'll get to that a little at a time. Now that I have fewer things, I find I really really like that. I want less.....and less!

The slight problem I am now faced with...we have a storage unit (weeelllll, actually 2) full of boxes and boxes of stuff I don't want in my house, stuff I was planning to put in a yard sale, a yard sale I no longer want ANY part of! Ugh, no way. Lesson learned. Don't hang on to stuff at all, unless you're really committed to making a little money and putting in the huge effort to make that little bit of money. Ah well, most of it I will just make my hubby and son take to the thrift store! Not my problem...teehee. I do have several pieces of decent furniture that we plan to sell on Craig's List, but that too will have to wait until hubby is ready to do it, when he's finally completely fed up with paying that storage rental fee every month. It will happen soon enough.

Moved in, mostly decorated (only have pictures left to hang), grass in the front and back yard, weeds almost under control...not too bad for being here 4 1/2 months already! I like coming home to this house now, and I love that it still has that new house smell, even with a big ole dopey dog. It makes me happy to have new for the first time in about 28 years. I just LOVE new. Really really.

Procrastinator, Thy Name is ANN.

Oooooh yeah, that's me. I put off everything! You may think I'm exaggerating, but really...most of the time, most of the things. I procrastinate housework. I procrastinate laundry. I procrastinate kitchen cleaning. I procrastinate getting up in the morning (just long enough that I'm always about two minutes late for work...our company grants us a ten minute window, so that it's not really a big deal and no one is waiting on me to clock in for their lunch or anything; the first two to three hours of my day I'm working on my own...but still....I've been trying so HARD the past year to clock in ON TIME that I get very frustrated with myself).

I am currently procrastinating packing boxes for an upcoming move (which is just craziness, because I've begun to look forward to moving, and am VERY excited about cleaning out a bunch of stuff accumulated over the last eight years we've lived in the Big House. I really like tossing stuff and simplifying and starting fresh in a new place). I've had a whole bunch of boxes sitting in my dining room for about five days. I have tape. I have markers. I have a notebook to record the contents of each packed box and which room it will go to. I have a general plan for the flow of my packing. And yet....have I packed a single box? Nope. When am I going to get started anyway? Dunno. I'll get to it! It's most likely because it is a HUGE and daunting task, and I'm overwhelmed. Yeah, that's it.

I honestly haven't a clue why I am this way (I'm really not much of a navel-gazer unless forced into it). And it seems that I have this innate ability to push starting things until the very last minute that I will be able to get it done on time (yes, occasionally I miscalculate and have to scramble to get something finished). I have, once in a blue moon, started early on a project to give myself plenty of time to perfect it...but I have to be over-the-moon excited about it or very nervous about failure. There has to be great emotion attached. Generally, I guess I'm apathetic about many things. This is not a good thing, guys.

Anyway, I'll bet there are some of you out there who have the same struggle (I really want to say "character flaw" but I don't want to be as hard on the rest of you as I am on myself). Each day I make a plan and resolve to start on this monumental task. Each day I come home from work tired and don't do a thing about it (if only my daughter were here...she'd give me the gentle shove/kick in the pants I need to get going; once I'm moving I have the tendency to keep moving until it's finished...a body in motion and all that). It will get done, just like everything else eventually gets done. I just don't keep up with the pace as well as I used to, or bounce back from total exhaustion as easily. If I wait too long to start, I will be killing myself to get finished. Eeeeeeek! I need to start!

I Still Have A Voice

Yes, I have a voice! Well no, not literally....but I still have plenty to say. I can be a real chatterbox, just ask my family, if they still remember that.

For those of you who know the old me, the talkative me, you'd probably be surprised by how quiet I have become. It wasn't by choice, but by a....well, I want to say a mean twist of fate or an act of God...but not knowing the mind or workings of the Lord I will say it is just how things have turned out. My voice is my "thorn in the flesh," and I alternate between begging God to fix it and asking for the patience to endure.

I have what is called "spasmodic dystonia," a neurological disorder that supposedly only 2% of the population has. Yeah, pretty rare. Personally, I think that percentage is a little higher, because I think there are a lot of older people out there who just think it's a sign of aging and don't seek treatment for it. After all, it's annoying but not life threatening (which is the reason there is little research going on for it). Hey, we even have our own "society" and website to keep us updated on it and tell us if there are any new procedures to help it (so far there aren't). Basically, my brain miscommunicates with my vocal cords and makes them spasm when I try to talk. You can have "adductor," "abductor", or add a tremor in there (I think my aunt on my mother's side had the tremor, thinking back).

It started about 12 years ago, while we still lived in California. It was intermittent so I wasn't that concerned. I actually thought maybe it was something due to sinus problems that I had most of the time. My doctor prescribed a nasal spray, which I tried for about a month, but I hated using it and it made my eyes dry out which affected my contact wearing (plus it didn't help my voice a bit). Then she sent me to a speech therapist who told me I talked in too low a register, and I should practice talking higher...you know, like Minnie Mouse. Have you ever tried doing that? Totally changing the register that you use to talk? Not just for funnsies or putting on an accent, but permanently. Not happening, folks. I'm not proud of it, but I laughed at her. I knew deep down that wasn't the answer. So I just lived with it. But I held a grudge about the speech therapist who didn't seem to know what she was talking about (more about that in a bit).

Ever so gradually, my voice got worse. Sometimes it would just "choke up," like someone was holding my throat in a tight grip. It didn't hurt (still doesn't, thank the Lord), but I would sound like I was about to cry, that chokey sound, especially when I was stressed or nervous, or embarrassed, or angry. People would get that concerned look and say, "Are you alright?" Yes, I'm fine....but so embarrassed about it.

It finally got so bad that I Googled my symptoms and found the Spasmodic Dystonia website. My symptoms fit to a tee. Chokey sounding or raspy or whispery, but you can yell past it (yes, I can still yell when the occasion calls for it, but I kind of have to gear myself up for it, it takes extra concentration and effort), other normal sounding things are laughing or one-word answers...weird huh? My laugh sounds like it always did, but again, who can go through life talking while they laugh??? It's a very odd malady. Some people can even sing just fine, even though they can't talk. Me? Mostly no.

After I felt pretty sure about what was plaguing me, I went to my GP here in Boise, who recommended a vocal therapist (one of the best in Boise), and this is different from a speech therapist, because she specializes in problems with vocal cords and not speech patterns. She was wonderful, I must say. She was kind and patient and informative. I told her my history and my grudge against the speech therapist, and she kindly pointed out that this problem was just coming to light in the last few years, and that my speech therapist and my doctor had probably never even heard of it at that point. Okay, okay, I guess I can let it go then. Unfortunately, she couldn't help me much, but she tested me vocally (mostly reading things out loud), and recommended a good ENT doctor for me to go see, to confirm her theory and make a diagnosis. He was really nice also, and confirmed her diagnosis.

Here's where it gets more frustrating for those of us suffering with this problem. As I said, there is not much research in this area because it's not life threatening. They can't operate on that part of the brain that's causing the problem, because it's in too risky a spot near the brain stem. The only two treatments for this (at this time) are surgery where they pretty much take your vocal cords totally apart and put them back together (and it's very expensive, takes a year to fully recover, and there's no guarantee that it will work...usually does, but not always...oh, and I would have to travel to San Diego or Seattle to have it done)...or Botox injections in your vocal cords (pretty expensive also, and you have to have it done every 3-6 months depending on how well you respond to it). Uh yeah...no.

Well, that was my initial reaction, but I did end up trying that and it worked great for about a year. Then it stopped working. The first time it didn't work, I thought he had missed. That is possible. He does it with a tiny camera, and has me say "eeeeee" and when he sees the vibration on camera that's where he injects, on both sides. Not a pleasant experience, but I can endure almost anything for about the two minutes it takes for him to do it (the hardest part is trying my best not to cough, because that needle moving around and re-positioning around your airway makes you need to cough almost uncontrollably, and you really don't want to do that when he has a needle in there trying to find a sweet spot at $850 a pop). So I thought he missed. We talked and after a month, he offered to do it again for free. Still no difference. Talk about a disappointment.

So I have continued to "deteriorate" vocally. I can barely speak above a whisper now, and in customer service (where I help quite a few older hard-of-hearing people every day), it's a total pain in the neck...no pun intended. Almost EVERY. SINGLE. CUSTOMER  every day asks if I'm sick or if I've lost my voice, if I have laryngitis. Yeah. Every customer. Every day. All day. It's difficult to stay cheerful and smiling about it all the time. If they say, "Oh, have you lost your voice?" I just smile and nod. If they say, "Oh, are you sick? Have you caught that flu that's going around?" I just smile and whisper, "No, I'm fine." If they keep going, which they often do (hey, I know they're being nice, being helpful, being sympathetic....I get it....I remind myself of it constantly....but it is still soooooooo irritating sometimes), and start giving me laryngitis cures, I usually smile ruefully and say, "That won't help what I've got." My co-workers sometimes try to help me out and pipe up..."No she's not sick, that's the way she always sounds." Usually we can laugh about it, but they feel bad for me having to hear it all day. Even the regulars will occasionally say, "Do you STILL have no voice???" or "Oh, hasn't gotten any better, huh?" Sigh..........no, no better.

Yeah, yeah....poor poor pitiful me. Yes, sometimes I get depressed about it (like on singing night at church...I used to love that so much...now, I would love to just listen, but I know God wants me to do what I can to praise Him, and I know I still sound lovely to Him...AND in heaven, I will once again be able to sing out, I just know it!!!). Sometimes I have just had enough by the time I get home and do NOT want to try to talk any more (which doesn't always wash with an eight-year-old who is very chatty when he gets home from school...I let him do most of the talking). Sometimes I get really REALLY close to losing it when I have to repeat myself three times at home. I have been known to yell just so I won't have to repeat it. Again. And then I sound angry and get hurt looks. I'm not angry, not really. Just frustrated and tired of the trying. Ugh.

All that very long explanation to say that I still want to communicate. I still have something to say (once in a while). Maybe I'll do it here. You'll let me have a voice here, right? Of course you will. Thanks, guys.