Early Morning

I'm sitting here, slowly waking up and coming to life, thinking about the day and what I'm planning to do with it. Cup of coffee in hand, watching the dog sit in the open slider sniffing the air to see if there's anything interesting to investigate or bark at, I remember to thank the Lord for another summer day in Idaho. 

I love summer mornings here. It's juuuuuust right. The sun comes up pretty early this far north (and goes down pretty late!), it's light by 6:00, and it's cool, but not chilly. There's just a slight breeze, but not windy (usually). The air smells fresh and clean (as long as there's not a forest fire nearby...we haven't had any this summer yet). Perfect.

Best of all, it feels like the morning is just waiting for me. Waiting for me to make something of it, anticipating with bated breath what I might come up with. That feels good. One more morning in my life. God has already given me lots of days, good and bad, happy and sad, a never-ending variety...and I never know where each day is headed. How exciting!

Now that I'm retired, I get to choose what to do with each day. Yes, I still make plans and appointments, and I still have standing "dates", like church on Sundays and Wednesdays, and pickleball on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but a day like today is wide open with endless possibilities. I love that! But....but I've been retired for two years now, and I haven't made the most of two years' worth of possibilities. I've wasted so much time.

Oh, I can hear my children's voices in my head..."But you worked for a lot of years, Mom. You deserve to be a little lazy and just enjoy not working. Don't worry about it. Just relax and enjoy your retirement." That's well-meaning, and I know they love me dearly and want me to be happy. I'll admit I've enjoyed a lot of those lazy days. But come on, really? Two YEARS?? That's a LOT of lazy days. You can be relaxed and still be productive...there's got to be a balance. When I retired, I literally had a whole list of creative and organizational things that I wanted to do, that I finally had time to pursue. And I was excited about that. Then..........nothing...zilch...nada. (And I know some of the reasons for that inactivity, that lack of doing anything, but I'm not going to rehash all that now, or hopefully ever again...we're moving forward, not looking back)

What my kids don't hear yet, but I do loud and clear, is that big ole clock ticking in the back of my head, reminding me that my time is winding down, slowly but surely. Okay, I might live to be a hundred, who knows. In that case, I've still got 33 more years! Sounds like a lot. But what if...what if the Lord decides to take me tomorrow. I will have to answer to Him for two years wasted, not fulfilling my potential. Not DOING anything. Not working toward something, not using my gifts in any meaningful way. I'm not unaware of my various talents, I know I have several that I could be utilizing, some just for myself (as down on myself as I can be sometimes, I know I have value as a person with gifts that are unique and wonderful). :)

But I digress. Let's get back to time used or wasted. I'm more and more aware of how short our lives really are, and how much more quickly time seems to pass as we age. We "older" people get that. That's why I'm trying to work on some things, why I started posting to this blog again after several years. This feels like a safe space to explore my thoughts and feelings, to plan, to lament failures, and pat myself on the back when I get it right! And writing this page helps me get back to writing at all, which will encourage me to work on some creative writing...go me!

This "habit" book I'm trying to absorb stresses actually doing something, not forever planning to do something (lol, I've done a lot of planning, not doing, in my life). I hear you, Mr. Clear...loud and clear! To me, this page IS doing...not a whole lot, but it's a start. And on this beautiful summer morning I can be happy with that. Yes indeed. Now I'll take a look at the list of things I want to accomplish today...