My brain is a mess, I mean truly a chaotic mess. I have realized a few things about myself. I am constantly trying to keep ahead of my household mess, because it represents what goes on in my head constantly. I often wonder if i have ADD, because I have witnessed it in some people close to me, and I see the same patterns of behavior in myself. I am constantly frustrated at the lack of organization in my home, because it feels like that just shows exactly how my brain functions....if I could just organize my house and make it "perfectly orderly", then I could do the same thing with my own thoughts. Making lists helps somewhat, but I forget to make the lists, and I forget to check them. Keeping a journal helps somewhat, but I forget to write in it, I forget I even have one. The chaos in my head really gets to me. Then I have short periods of clarity, where I try to set some goals, I try to "regiment" myself somewhat, I make lists, I set goals, I make a schedule for my daily activities....then I spend the next several days completely depressed because a large part of me doesn't WANT to be organized, doesn't WANT to be scheduled, doesn't WANT to have to work that hard to make my life work. Then I completely forget that I have these lists and goals and schedules and I have to remind myself all over again what I want and why. I forget to pray, I forget to read, I forget to paint, to write, to do all those things that really do help and make me feel better.
Oh, it's not all bad. My daily habits are somewhat better than they used to be when I was younger, and I am definitely more efficient in my work. I am able to stay on task better, and I am a lot faster at doing chores than I was 30 years ago....when I absolutely have to accomplish something on a deadline, I am able to organize my time and get most of what I need to get done, done. I am better about just doing what I can and letting the rest go, and not hating myself too much because I'm not totally successful at organization sometimes. I realize that I often overestimate how much I can get done, because I usually underestimate how long it will take me to do each item on my list. I realize that being perfectionist and completely hard on myself IS mostly in my head, and that I am a hard worker, fairly intelligent, and not lazy (most of the time). I am persistent, and I have never completely given up on myself, even if I often want to.
But having just had my 54th birthday, I am a little depressed with myself, and a whole lot frustrated. I am fighting the same battles, struggling with the VERY SAME weaknesses and frailties that I have been battling my whole adult life. I recently went back and read some journal entries from the last two or three years, and I am a broken record. I have been whining about the same things, and repeating the same failing patterns for so many years. I just can't seem to make lasting changes within my head (leading to better habits of behavior).
So.......what now? Where do I go from here? How can I make these changes I want to make? How can I maintain focus and self-control long enough to create better habits for myself? Sigh....maybe I can Google it.
