IT'S TIME FOR A REALITY CHECK

I was talking with my daughter this morning (messaging --- we live all the way across the country from each other), and through that discussion, and a timely chat with my doctor coincidentally, I had a minor epiphany. I'll add here that I have had a couple of MAJOR epiphanies in the past ten years, but this one ranks up there pretty high, as far as minor ones go. Almost a major one, but not quite. Anyhooo....

It gradually hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm really not as young as I used to be. "Do tell?" you're probably thinking. "What are you, an idiot? You're pushing 60." Yes, I know I'm getting there. My aches and pains and minor maladies remind me on a daily basis. It's hard to put into words how I've been rationalizing my less-than-healthy lifestyle and habits. It's like my subconscious has stubbornly refused to believe that my body, muscle mass, metabolism, etc. is any different than it was 20 years ago, when menopause was still distant on the horizon and my inner workings were in top-notch condition, chugging away nicely. And it's not like I didn't see it coming. I remember writing in my journal (an on-again-off-again undertaking), while I was in my 40's, that if I didn't get the extra weight off before menopause, it was going to be twice as hard after.

Well, here I am folks. Post-menopausal, "cancer survivor" ---- so far, thank the Lord. It takes 5 years before they'll say you're really cancer-free, and it's been less than a year for me ---- and obese (with high cholesterol and borderline blood pressure). Yes, I can say that. 50 pounds or more and you are declared obese, it said so right on my cancer diagnosis. I got a good look at myself in a full length mirror today at the doctor's office, and it's been quite a while....QUITE a while. I look like Porky Pig. I'm not being unreasonably harsh with myself, I'm being honest. I am fat (remind me to share a brief encounter with a woman at work who was insistent that I am not fat .... that is really not helpful, lady).

Okay, I own it. Up front and in my face with it. Forget all the stuff I've been spouting about eating healthy and being motivated to exercise and wanting to get healthy. It's time to get real. To actually SEE the problem, accept it, and do something about it. It's time to get busy. I can do that.

Flagellation (and rant) Over --- Time for Action

I'm feeling better today. More my regular self today. And I've decided to give a common anti-procrastination trick a try. I've read in several self-growth places (books, magazine articles, websites and such) that you can begin a habit small and build from there. One source said you can start with just two minutes. That's all, just two minutes a day on a habit you want to develop. The key is to stick to it and do it every single day, just for two minutes. Another popular website says 15 minutes. If you hate doing something or at least keep putting it off, set your timer for 15 minutes and do that thing for 15 minutes every day until you have caught up on that chore. Eventually you do finish that "thing", just 15 minutes at a time.

I've always kind of just said, "Yeah, yeah" to this little trick, but I'm starting to see the value of tackling a tiny chunk of whatever Mt. Everest has me frozen into inactivity (this is a common occurrence with me). I may not be a world champion procrastinator, but with a few particular chores I can hang with the best of 'em. I actually procrastinate doing some of the things I profess to love doing, out of some kind of fear (failure? success? Who knows....who cares). The point is I fiercely want to be productive. I want to feel successful in my own life. I don't ask for that much. I don't care about being famous or rich (although having people see my art or read my novels and enjoy them would be very gratifying, even on a small scale). I just want to be productive and creative, enjoy serving my family, be more satisfied with myself, feel like I'm growing in the directions I choose.

So, with that in mind, part of this year's goals is about growing in focus and self control....big issues with me. Yesterday, I set the timer for 15 minutes 3 times to get a little bit done on the three things I really want to accomplish in my home on a daily basis: cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, and basic straightening (2 minutes just doesn't seem like enough to feel like anything is accomplished). And I was able to get some of each done. Not caught up, but some work on each. I will do this every day for a week, and let you know how it's going.

Self Flagellation

How do I talk about this without sounding totally whiny? Sometimes (okay, a little more than sometimes), I really don't like me. My self-talk is usually negative (my mother's voice, as I've mentioned before), and everyone else seems to have a better handle on life, on productivity, on self control than I do (yes, I know I see the brightest happiest most productive faces on social media --- it works, I feel inadequate). I get so frustrated with myself and my lack of focus and self control.

Today is one of those one-step-forward-two-steps-back kind of a day. One of those days where I feel completely inept, incompetent, unintelligent, un-creative, procrastinating (I KNOW that one is true), unfocused, un- un- un- (add in fat and lazy, just for good measure).

I set goals, I make lists, I make a schedule (sort of), then totally disappoint myself when I can't stick to my super-aggressively-hopelessly-intimidatingly huge amount of goals. Okay, yes, I know I'm too hard on myself. And tomorrow I will probably rededicate myself to my goals, and pump myself up again. I'll read my goals and my ways to achieve them, I'll make a list, I'll try a new productivity technique, and I'll climb back up on that horse.

But for today, I'm bucked off and the horse is stomping on me while he whinnies gleefully. Today I hate that horse.

Unfinished business --- something now finished!

I can cross an item off my unfinished projects list for 2017 (you know, the Year of Unfinished Business, Part II). To be honest I didn't actually finish this project myself, but I don't feel bad about that even one teensy bit. Because it was painting my living room, and I really don't like to paint rooms.....watercolors yes, room painting NO. I will still consider it done, and I'm so grateful to my painter son for doing it for me. Um, it WAS because work is slow this winter for the contractor he works for, but I'll take it! He did a very nice job too. Can you see the two tone effect I chose? I love it! I haven't put anything back on the walls yet, but no biggie. Yay, a project done!

February --- double AAAACK!

Yes, it's February. I know, I know. Hey, don't roll your eyes at me. I already told you that getting myself together would be a struggle. It IS a struggle. I literally battle myself on a daily basis. Here's what I know so far.
1) Making a list for the day that has more than 5 or 6 things on it is just an invitation for disappointment in myself and frustration over my inability to mark things off a stinkin' list.
2) Some projects I want done, but I just don't want to do myself. And I really don't like to paint walls. I did most of the painting of two bedrooms in September, then couldn't get myself to do any more. My youngest son painted my living room for me this past week, and I am deliriously joyously thrilled with that...not only did it mark off one of my "unfinished business" items for this year, but I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO IT! Not to mention the fact that it looks VERY nice. Now how can I lure him into doing the rest? It won't take much, he's already offered to do all the upstairs trim for me if I buy paint. Yippee skippee!
3) I am so much a work in progress. I'm constantly tweaking my daily schedule to make everything fit better and I have this vain hope that if I work it all out just right, not only will I be able to fit everything in that I want to accomplish every day, but I'll have the energy and incentive to keep working from dark-thirty to bedtime without any rest or a nap or anything. What was that definition of insanity again, about expecting a different result?
4) I know that it takes a lot of work and mental strength to change my thinking. I have to keep going over my goals for the year, and trying to do daily things FOR MYSELF, for my own growth. Just going through the motions each and every day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year is eventually going to sink me into such a depression I will never claw my way out of that deep deep well of despair. I'm talking job, housework, laundry, and cooking. I MUST find a way to get more fulfillment from my day than merely doing mundane tasks that I've been doing for over 45 years and never enjoyed much in the first place (some people truly enjoy keeping the home, cleaning, cooking...I do not understand those people). It just always seems like after I do all the "have-to's" there is no time and energy left for the "want-to's" and "NEED-TO'S". I'm not giving up, though. I can't give up. I will find a way. I'll just keep tweaking.