Feeling....Lost?

THE PLAN. I made the stinkin' thing, I should feel good about at least getting it on paper, where it's not swirling around in my head. But I don't feel good about it, I feel intimidated by it. I put so much pressure on myself and I don't know how to feel a different way. I'm not really depressed, I just feel lost. I feel lazy. I don't want to feel lazy, and I don't want to be down on myself, I don't want to feel disgusted by myself. Yes, I realize I'm much too hard on myself. AND WAAAAAY too self-involved.

I know God loves me. I know He wants good things for me, but I feel He wants good things FROM me too. He wants me to give my best to Him, that's how I show Him I love Him back, that's my gift back to Him, my gratitude for everything He's done for me, and He's done so much. I understand that I'm saved from my sins and from my failings, and that as long as I don't give up, don't give in to my doubts and fears, as long as I just keep going, He's never going to stop loving me, never going to forsake me. He's promised me that. 

I want to love myself like He does. I want to like myself, be pleased with myself, appreciate my gifts and use them and be happy about my progress. I don't know how. I feel like I'm not moving forward at all, but standing still. And I don't actually hate myself, but there's not much love there either. That seems sinful, because God made me, He gave me life (physical and spiritual), He gave me physical and mental gifts, and I NEED to be more grateful about it. Not just accepting of myself, but LOVING me, LIKING me, HAVING JOY EVERY DAY being me. Hey, I wish I could even see myself like my loved ones do, that would be an improvement.

Okay, yeah, I guess I'm depressed, today anyway. And I'll freely admit it's probably partially due to my medication (and some outside pressure that I don't want to get into). There's nothing I can do about that part at the moment. I have to go with that flow. Some days I do feel good, not particularly about myself, but about life in general, and my ability to move forward. But not today. 

It's simple...I want to feel happy and productive. I want to love God and love my neighbor as myself. Maybe I'll try just loving God and my neighbor. Because loving my neighbor as myself implies that I do love myself...right? 

"God don't make no junk." I want to believe that.

"Fake it till you make it." That doesn't seem to be working...I'm tired of trying to trick myself into a better attitude. I want to make that happen for real.

I don't have any answers. I really don't. Gentle and positive suggestions accepted...and simple. Don't forget simple. That's about all I can handle right now. I need something easy to cling to. Please don't worry about me, but you can keep praying for me. I'd appreciate that.