How do I fix my head?

My brain is a mess, I mean truly a chaotic mess. I have realized a few things about myself. I am constantly trying to keep ahead of my household mess, because it represents what goes on in my head constantly. I often wonder if i have ADD, because I have witnessed it in some people close to me, and I see the same patterns of behavior in myself. I am constantly frustrated at the lack of organization in my home, because it feels like that just shows exactly how my brain functions....if I could just organize my house and make it "perfectly orderly", then I could do the same thing with my own thoughts. Making lists helps somewhat, but I forget to make the lists, and I forget to check them. Keeping a journal helps somewhat, but I forget to write in it, I forget I even have one. The chaos in my head really gets to me. Then I have short periods of clarity, where I try to set some goals, I try to "regiment" myself somewhat, I make lists, I set goals, I make a schedule for my daily activities....then I spend the next several days completely depressed because a large part of me doesn't WANT to be organized, doesn't WANT to be scheduled, doesn't WANT to have to work that hard to make my life work. Then I completely forget that I have these lists and goals and schedules and I have to remind myself all over again what I want and why. I forget to pray, I forget to read, I forget to paint, to write, to do all those things that really do help and make me feel better.

Oh, it's not all bad. My daily habits are somewhat better than they used to be when I was younger, and I am definitely more efficient in my work. I am able to stay on task better, and I am a lot faster at doing chores than I was 30 years ago....when I absolutely have to accomplish something on a deadline, I am able to organize my time and get most of what I need to get done, done. I am better about just doing what I can and letting the rest go, and not hating myself too much because I'm not totally successful at organization sometimes. I realize that I often overestimate how much I can get done, because I usually underestimate how long it will take me to do each item on my list. I realize that being perfectionist and completely hard on myself IS mostly in my head, and that I am a hard worker, fairly intelligent, and not lazy (most of the time). I am persistent, and I have never completely given up on myself, even if I often want to.

But having just had my 54th birthday, I am a little depressed with myself, and a whole lot frustrated. I am fighting the same battles, struggling with the VERY SAME weaknesses and frailties that I have been battling my whole adult life. I recently went back and read some journal entries from the last two or three years, and I am a broken record. I have been whining about the same things, and repeating the same failing patterns for so many years. I just can't seem to make lasting changes within my head (leading to better habits of behavior).

So.......what now? Where do I go from here? How can I make these changes I want to make? How can I maintain focus and self-control long enough to create better habits for myself? Sigh....maybe I can Google it.

Happy New Year (with an emphasis on HAPPY)

Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I get so focused on the minute little details of life that I totally lose sight of the big picture. I become so focused inwardly that I don't look OUT. I forget to pray, I forget to focus on the Lord, I forget to be thankful, and then I become really depressed and stressed. Such a seemingly simple thing as counting my blessings has such a huge impact on my life. It makes all the frustrations and irritations totally worth it. It reminds me why I keep plugging along with my life, even when I'm so tired. It helps me to keep trying to mature and grow as a Christian, as an individual. It makes me want to keep trying to find the time to create, to express my inner spirit. Gratitude to God for my life and everything in it (especially for the glorious life to come) makes this life magical and happy and I have to stay focused on THAT.

With that in mind, I will work on my goals for 2013 (which, for those of you who know me, are usually comprehensive and abundant). I will try to be very specific and more narrow in scope this year. I really want to accomplish a change in habits more than anything, which should serve me the rest of my life if I can make them stick this year. Please keep me in your prayers as I work on my list! I will post after I solidify my resolutions.

Not giving up so soon...

I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. I have many things going on in my life, and have a great deal of stress which I don't handle that well. But I want this, I want to be healthy, I want to get thinner and fit. I want to prevent a major illness....had a minor gall bladder flare-up a couple of nights ago. Scared me plenty, since I haven't had one of those in almost 20 years. After watching my son and my daughter both go through agonizing pain and gall bladder surgery, I sooooooo don't want to deal with that. I don't qualify for health insurance coverage for six more months, ugh. I have so many things I need to get looked at when I can get some, I don't want that TOO. Praying, praying, praying. But I know I need to do my part to help keep my body functioning at a healthy level. It's so hard.....my hedonistic side that loves food that's bad for me constantly battles my common sense self-loving side that wants to be healthy, wants to shun "evil" foods and embrace the good-for-me ones. Change is never easy, but changing my eating habits seems to be getting harder instead of easier as I get older.

I need prayers. Sometimes I feel so out of control with my life. I always feel that if I just get everything in order in my physical environment, then I'll get more done and feel happier....is this a vain hope? I never seem to get organized to my satisfaction. Sigh.... Yes, I definitely have "control issues". Just by this post, you can see my mind is in chaos right now. It happens during the holiday season, almost inevitably. But I won't give in. I won't give up. I'll just make more lists.

5 Days Into It...

Okay, so I've been trying to be healthy now for 5 whole days, with mixed success. I ate really healthy almost exclusively, fresh stuff and such, and avoiding white sugar and white flour completely. I weighed this morning and I was down a pound. Pretty good. It would have been more I think, but I caught a nasty cold and didn't exercise the last three days (hence, the mixed part). I will keep trying to get all my "ducks in a row", with setting up goals and plans, and going back on http://www.medhelp.org to get my trackers up and running again. Stay tuned. It will get more exciting! (or at least more interesting)

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAACK

Yes, it's me, and I'm so back again. I worked on my other blog...you know, that favorite of mine, for almost a year. I did, in that time, finish my first novel, for which I was very proud of myself. Have I written anything since then? Have I worked on one of the other two novels I have started (oh wait, three now) or did I start working on the edit of that first one? Nope. Nyet. Nicht. I did start the sequel to that book, and got a couple of chapters into it, then I had to go back to work (long story....I will probably elaborate some time), so my creative time is very limited, which also makes it harder to create....on demand.

Anyway, I actually wasn't planning to EVER blog again, feeling like a total and complete failure at it, since nobody ever reads my words, and that depresses me (although going back and reading some of those words actually made me laugh, so I feel okay about it). Then someone very close to me started a private blog about her journey to fitness and better overall health, and I said I would join her on this quest. To that end, part of the new incarnation of my blog will be all the in's and out's of my personal fitness journey....and I will mimic many parts of HER blog, so that I don't have to be too creative about it. I'll let her do all the heavy lifting...heheh. I'm working on my plans and pages; look for those very soon.

Those couple of you who will read this, thanks. Welcome back to my world, which is all right. in. here.