I Am...Becoming

 I am becoming what i want to be. The author of the book on developing good habits spends a chapter on positive self talk, and how important it is to convince your brain that you ARE what you're trying to become. He even says you should say it out loud to yourself on a daily basis, like in front of the mirror, because your brain will start to believe what your ears hear.

Now here's the deal. Not only is this another habit i have to try to add to my morning stack, so I'll have to literally put it on a to-do list...that just feels silly, but I understand the reasoning behind it. Not only do I have to try to develop this habit, but I am a very honest person and telling myself that I AM FIT and I AM HEALTHY is just pushing it too far for me. It feels like a lie. Maybe some day, but not yet.

So I've decided that I can come up with a statement that feels true, but still bolsters my belief in myself and my confidence in what I'm accomplishing. I can tell myself that my habits ARE becoming more consistent, that I AM trying hard, and adding more time and more effort. I AM feeling healthier, more fit, stronger, more flexible. Those things are true and help me stay positive. Yeah, I can do that.

And yes, telling myself that I'm an artist and a writer is true, and it really helps to remind myself of those things. I'll keep working on it.

Writing Prompt #2

This prompt is "Point of View, Setting," and I'm supposed to describe my bedroom through the eyes of an FBI agent who believes I have committed a crime.

FBI agent Agatha Christie (no relation) stopped in the doorway of the master bedroom to take in the full effect of the room before entering, as she was trained to do. There were agents swarming the small house, tossing the place, but Agent Christie was the first to assess the bedroom and she didn't want to miss anything. Even the smallest details could be important.

Looking around, she noticed that there was a heavy four-poster bed, probably a queen, that dominated the not-large room, matching dressers on either side with mismatched lamps on them, a bookcase, rolltop desk, with a flatscreen TV on the wall above it, and what looked like an office two-drawer filing cabinet in the corner with a printer on top. 

There were several "clutter catchers" in the room that would have to be gone over carefully, and a free-standing jewelry armoire that might have something interesting tucked inside, but at first glance nothing obvious stood out. Of course not, Mrs. Sexton wouldn't be so careless as to leave anything lying out, especially since it seemed, from the interrogation, her husband knew nothing about her dealings. This place was probably clean as a whistle, but they had to search every nook and cranny carefully, just in case.

As she entered the room and looked at things closer, the most interesting item to the agent was a small knick-knack shelf above the filing cabinet, filled with tiny tins, the kind that come with gum, candy, or mints in them. The woman had collected all shapes and sizes. The perfect place to hide small items vital to national security, and only a few were not totally covered in dust. "Sloppy, Mrs. Sexton," Agatha thought to herself. She must have been in a great hurry to overlook this "tiny" mistake.

Welcome New Readers!

 Well, here we are, just one little happy group! I'm so used to having just one (extremely supportive) reader, that it makes me a little nervous to have invited several more into my head. Don't worry though, my posts are usually short-ish, and I'm trying hard not to be sooooooo personal or negative. More positive, more creative...that's the goal. More writing practice, less therapy, lol. And if you think of someone else that you think will be willing to read it, please text me that information.

If you want, you can go back and read older stuff. I started this blog over ten years ago, but I have been sporadic over the years, to say the least. I write it more for myself than an audience, so no biggie. If you read it, great! If not, it won't hurt my feelings...I've gotten past taking it personally (mostly). Thanks so much for being my guinea pigs...uh, audience. :) My one request is that if you do read it, please leave a little comment. It really boosts my spirits!

Some of the posts will be writing exercises from a book Bailey gave me, "5-Minute Daily Writing Prompts" by Tarn Wilson. It's an easy way to combine this blog with some creative exercises. And occasionally you will get a look into my head...scary place! :o I have a tendency to go on a rant once in a while.

So there you have it. Most of the time I don't think about it too much before posting. I just sit down and start writing. Who knows where it will take us? Maybe someday it will actually have a theme!

Oh, Let's Try Another One - Prompt #5

This time, although I have trouble sticking with only 5 minutes, I will definitely keep it under 30. The prompt says to write a list of words that include the "oo" sound: like blue, tooth, smooth, etc. Then write a story using as many of the words as I can (the category is "poetry", but it says to write a story... not sure if I'm supposed to rhyme or not!

List of words: blue, tooth, smooth, tune, shoot, boot, toot, couth, youth, roof, tube, boob, lube, poop, loop, scoop, noose, moose, loose, tool, pool, rule, school, fool, noon, spoon, loon, moon

There once was a loon who was cool

He was the coolest loon in the school

He was such a cool youth

But he lost a front tooth

Now everyone says he's a fool. 

Hey, they didn't say it had to be good or anything!

Extending Prompt #391

 The rest of the story of the little orange Vega happened a whole year later, when I was 15. The summer my daddy died. The first two weeks of the usual month I would spend in Newport and Tuckerman, Arkansas, were spent there that summer with my best friend, Elizabeth (Lissa). Daddy took us camping with some other close friends of his, and I remember learning to ride a motorbike on that trip and fishing in the river, and hanging out with some other teenagers. We had a really nice time together, and it was Lissa's first (and last) time to be with my daddy. Later, I was so glad she got to go on that trip with me, because she was one of the few people I could share my grief with.

I'm pretty sure Daddy had been in the hospital that spring at least once with severe chest pains, maybe twice, and I remember while I was there he was popping nitroglycerin tablets like candy (pain relievers for the heart). I think it was the only thing that gave him relief from the incessant chest pains he was having. He didn't have much time left, but I didn't know that. That's not something they would share with a 15-year-old. I don't think he shared that with his two older daughters either, probably because if he did they would have insisted on coming to see him and there was nothing they could do. But they were denied the comfort of seeing him one more time, and I know they resented that later. I think because he was a man, he didn't want his little girls to see him like that, weak and dying.

To back up just a little, Daddy had a massive heart attack about 5 years before, that had done a lot of damage to the heart muscle, and he almost didn't make it then (he was a two-pack-a-day smoker who quit cold turkey after that attack). The doctor at the time wanted to do open-heart surgery, but Daddy was afraid...his medical insurance was through the Veterans Administration, and the VA wasn't known for its high level of care. Plus, open-heart surgery wasn't as prevalent as it is today, bypass was relatively new in 1974, and he was terrified he wouldn't make it through the surgery. So he turned it down.

Five years later, after another significant heart attack, he was suffering enough that he was ready to do whatever it would take to get relief, but after doing tests, the doctor told him it was too late. There was too much damage, and there was nothing more they could do for him. He (and his immediate family) knew what that meant, but they kept it to themselves, probably at his insistence.

Here's where my traumatic memory comes in. During that last two weeks I was with him, Daddy woke up one morning with severe chest pains (actually, I think he was up most of the night). He was in too much pain to drive himself to the hospital (I'm a little surprised he was able to walk to the car). My grandfather had Alzheimer's and couldn't drive anymore. My grandmother, as far as I knew, didn't have a drivers license, and I had never seen her drive a car. I can't remember for sure if my aunt, Nell, was living at the farm yet. She moved back home at some point to help out, but if she had, then she was at work in Newport that day, and that only left one car to use...the Vega...and only one person who could possibly do it, and that was me. I did have a permit by this time but that's it. If it had been a regular automatic transmission, no problem. I drove my mom's car all the time. But a stick shift? Into town? And driving home alone??? I didn't think I could do it.

I remember protesting at first, because I was terrified that either he would die on the way to the hospital or I would kill us with my driving. I've wracked my brain and can't remember how much driving I did in that car before this event, but it must have been at least a little because I hadn't forgotten how to do it, although I was still very nervous starting up, shifting, and especially stopping on a hill of any size. Popping that clutch and gunning it was jerky but at least it didn't die on me. But my terror couldn't change the fact that Daddy was suffering, and I had to take him to the hospital. So I did. And I think I only stalled at a stop sign once...maybe twice.

The most terror I felt was driving back to the farm alone. On the way into town, Daddy was able to direct me on the several roads to get to the hospital. I knew the road between the farm and my grandfather's house in Tuckerman very well, and could drive that practically blindfolded, but this was in the opposite direction, on roads that I had been on my whole life, but had never driven, so I hadn't paid much attention. Getting lost heading back to the farm after leaving Daddy at the hospital was a real possibility, and I was so scared. I did make a couple of wrong turns on the way back, but could tell when it didn't look familiar, so I was very glad when I finally recognized the last couple of back roads and was able to turn into the little lane at the farm. I'll never forget the relief and huge sense of accomplishment I felt that I was able to do that for Daddy and make it back home on my own...alive...in the Vega.

Less than 2 months later, in August, 1974, Daddy was gone. But I had the comfort of knowing I had been with him during his last months, and I had been able to help him, even if it was a small help. I never forgot.

Let's Try Another One...Writing Prompt #391

 I was looking through the book of writing prompts, not really feeling the vibe if you get me, when I came across one that is a memoir (I'm kind of into those right now...feeling nostalgic I guess). I'm supposed to write a memory of a car...one from my childhood, my fantasy car, my first car (another time maybe), one I learned to drive in, and that one brought up a memory that I'll share.

I learned to drive gradually, on dirt roads, in my grandfather's baby blue Comet. He let me start by sitting in his lap, oh I don't know, probably somewhere around 6 or 7, just steering. By the time I was 12, and could actually reach the pedals, he would let me drive between his house and my other grandparents about 10 miles away, on quiet sandy dirt roads. I can still remember his admonishment to "stay in the ruts!" Because if you drifted too much to the side, you could get stuck in the sand and be there until some kind soul came along and pulled you out...no cell phones back in the 60's. My dad would let me drive once in a while too, so I got pretty good at driving on back roads, even paved ones, by the time I was 14, although my practice was mostly in the summer when I was visiting Arkansas, because after the age of 10, I was living with my Mother in Texas.

But this memory is not of the Comet, but my oldest sister's little orange Vega. She was married and living with her husband in the Philippines (who was in the Air Force and stationed there), so her Vega was parked at my grandmother's house while she was out of the country. They made sure to drive it occasionally to keep it running, but it didn't get used much. The summer I turned 14, 1973, my middle sister and I were both at the farm while she was preparing to get married and move to California. I remember her sewing her wedding dress and my bridesmaid dress. I don't remember why, but she got it in her head that I needed to learn to drive a stick-shift, and what do you know? The orange Vega just happened to be a 3-speed standard transmission. I do remember making it clear that I had no interest in learning to use a clutch...hey, I was only 14 and hadn't even had drivers training yet. No permit, no nothing. But she was determined to teach me (it proved providential later), maybe she just needed a project, something to pass the time out in the country with nothing much better to do. And at that time in my life, I practically idolized her and she could talk me into almost anything...just look at the short haircut she talked me into (I got so much teasing about that haircut at school...another story).

We started by me just learning to go forward and let the clutch out, giving it gas, until I could do first gear with out stalling the engine, then remembering to push in the clutch as I braked. It was very jerky at first of course, but my sister was pretty patient with me and made me do it over and over until I could go. Then we would back up, drive down the lane, turn onto the dirt road and go a few miles, getting fast enough that I could shift into second gear, then turn around and go back. When I was confident enough, we drove to the paved road where I could get it up to third gear. I wasn't confident (or very competent), but I could do it fairly smoothly. Actually, I was just glad when the lessons were over, but I did feel a sense of accomplishment, learning to do something most kids my age didn't know how to do. Thanks, sis.

This skill proved to be important to me the next summer, but we'll get to that story another time.

Combo-blog today

 Another Monday, another difficult motivation day. So, I've decided to combine writing my blog with doing a writing prompt from a book by Tarn Wilson, 5-Minute Daily Writing Prompts, which was a gift from my sweet daughter who is always gently encouraging me to use my artistic talents. There are about 500 different prompts in this book to help spark the imagination and get you to write, even if for only 5 minutes at a time. Today I'll attempt Prompt #3 - Memoir, Voice. I'm supposed to remember a place that has emotional significance. In the voice of a tour guide, I'm to introduce someone to this place.

Here at our second stop on the tour of the childhood homes of the notorious fiction writer, Ann Meredith, we approach the small house in North Little Rock, where she recalls most of her earliest memories in her memoir, Memories of an ArkaTexan. This was the last house where they all lived together as a family, and they lived here approximately 3 years. As we climb the steps to the small front porch, we see that there is a stone chimney. The fireplace is in the miniscule living room, and Ann doesn't ever remember there being a fire lit in the fireplace. She thinks there must have been a safety issue and as it was a rental, they were never encouraged to use it. It is a two bedroom, one bath house, with a large sunroom, totally surrounded by windows, which served as a third bedroom that Ann shared with her middle sister, Jan. She has memories of sitting in this room and just staring out the windows watching the birds and squirrels in the fenced-in backyard.

She remembers one time her oldest sister started a fire in the kitchen by forgetting she had something cooking on the stove, and all the smoke that poured out of there. It was pretty scary to a 4 year old. They had to repaint the kitchen, and although she didn't remember it, her sister told her that she accidentally did it again right after they had painted, so they had to paint it a second time.

Ann also remembered a time when there was a party for the adults from church at a house fairly close by, and the kids (mostly teen and preteen) were gathered at the little white house, eating snacks and playing board games. Suddenly they heard the dog barking out back, and the trash cans clanking, and a few of the kids said they saw someone in the back yard. The older girls called their parents at the other party, who subsequently called the police. Ann thought this development was so scary, yet oddly exciting too. Some of the teenage boys wanted to go outside and check it out, but were firmly told to stay in the house. When the police came, they checked out the back yard and saw that someone had been in the trash cans, so they concluded it was a homeless man of some kind, who was gone by then. Of course, the parents came to claim all the kids soon after that, but it was all the kids could talk about the rest of the night. Very exciting stuff for small town kids...

If you'll come this way, I'll show you the master bedroom where Ann could hear her parents arguing loudly several times, but was too young to understand what it was about....

Let's Stack Our Habits

 As I've stated recently, Mondays can be difficult, but to me they also represent a fresh start, the beginning of a new week with endless possibilities and lots of lists to make and fulfill. Sunday may be the first day of the week, but that day is reserved for worship, fellowship, and rest. I recharge my battery on Sunday. But, when Sunday is really busy/stressful/active...like yesterday... and I don't get that rest, that CAN make Monday sooooooo hard. And when I don't feel accomplished on a Monday, it really throws off the rest of the week for me (almost like, oh why bother, the week is already off to a bad start...it's ruined! Yes, I CAN be a little dramatic and defeatist). It seems a little silly, I guess, to put that much pressure on one day of the week, but that's just how my brain and energy level work. So, I have to try extra hard on Monday to make it a good day, a productive day, at least a little in some way or other...I can fudge it some and still feel good about it!

Last night, though, I was waaaay tired from lack of sleep on Saturday night and a very busy-busy Sunday, that I slept great, with hardly any trips to the bathroom or vivid dreams to disturb me.  I actually woke up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the week. So here I am, brimming with plans and ideas. I haven't made any lists yet, so don't hold me to that. Who knows what kind of tangent I might go off on...and STILL feel good about a day/week!!

But let's talk habit-stacking (see, I came right back to it, aren't I good?). In this book Atomic Habits, by James Clear, (that I'm still ruminating on and trying to absorb a little at a time, for the second time I might add, that's how much I think it will work if I really try...it has before), he talks about adding a new habit on to one or more good habits that you already do (it's not a real habit unless you do it without thinking about it...it's automatic). This is habit-stacking, and it makes it easier to start a habit when you stack it on others that are automatic.

Okay, I need to go on a small tangent here. I THOUGHT brushing my teeth daily was a habit, but when I retired and threw my work schedule and morning routine out the window...defiantly, I might add...some of my good habits went by the wayside, like washing my hair on Wednesday and Sunday like clockwork and brushing my teeth without fail...every...single...day. Yeah, yeah, here you're probably thinking, "Eeeew, gross, you actually skip brushing your teeth?" Yes. Yes, I have been doing that some days. Not a great one to toss, as my hygienist gently pointed out at my last cleaning. The point is, that habit was stacked neatly in a very strict daily routine to go to work, and when the routine went so did my strict habits. I've been retired for two years now, and the last 6 months have been particularly iffy in the good habits department. Let's just say I had a physical trauma that I tried to ignore and pretend didn't happen, but I'm slowly coming to grips with my age, my physical condition, and my need for getting back to a healthy routine and good habits...for myself and my physical/spiritual/mental health. I want to feel good! Tangent over.

Needless to say, I'm adding daily hygiene habits back into my morning habit-stacking. Here is the stack that I'm working on right now...the ONLY stack I'm concentrating on for a few weeks.

Get up (around 7-7:30... NO alarm except when I have an appointment to keep)

Morning poop, henceforth called my "morning constitutional" (I have very little control over this...it happens when it happens. Sometimes I can put it off for up to an hour, so I might empty the dishwasher while I wake up. Usually, it happens right away)

During the morning constitutional, I read the Bible, say a memory verse or two from an app list on my phone, then play a brain game to get the old cells working (and test to make sure they ARE working)

These are very ingrained habits. The next part is the habits I'm stacking onto this...

Shower (most days quickie, wash hair on Wed/Sat)

Dress in workout clothes, stay barefoot to do Pilates

Put hair up and brush teeth

Turn on YMCA app on the TV right away and do a Pilates video (I may do something else later also, like lifting weights or pickleball, but THIS is the habit I will develop now). I'm starting this week with just turning on the video. Next week I'll do 5 minutes and add from there

From now on, I'm NOT allowed to have my coffee until that stack is complete.

So far, so good! I feel like today is already off to a good start!

WHAT I LIKE...ABOUT ME

It is amazing how quickly the week can fly by! It's already Friday and I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. If I think real hard, I'm sure I can come up with something or other. Eh, too much effort. Let's get to it!

What do you like about yourself? Now don't just shrug or wave it off like it doesn't matter. It does matter, especially with women. We have a tendency to be so hard on ourselves...I don't know, I take that back. Maybe the current generation is so well-balanced that you can appreciate your good qualities and still work to improve in other areas. I can't even fathom that. My generation has a strong tendency to be very self-critical...but maybe that's not right either. Maybe it's JUST ME.

My inner voice is constantly criticizing me. Of course, it IS my mother's voice. I've never been able to expunge the critic I've been hearing since I was a small child. I won't go down that rabbit hole again today. Like my sister's therapist said one time, "Rehashing all those bad memories and feelings over and over is like chewing on your own boogers...don't chew on boogers." That statement made a HUGE impact on me, so whenever I go back to my less-than-happy childhood in my mind and start blaming my mother for everything wrong in my head, I remind myself, "Don't go chewing on those boogers again." Yeah, it's icky and graphic but it works for me!

So the last ten days I made a list. Once a day for ten days, I listed something I like about myself. Ten things no problem, right? Huh-yeah (snort), right. Yes, the first half wasn't too hard, but the last few days I had a tendency to repeat myself or expand on something I had already listed. It was a struggle, let me tell you. And I think I should keep going for another ten days, just to make myself think about good stuff and like myself for a while. 

Here's the list: (I didn't try to prioritize except for the first one, which is most important to me)

1) I love and trust my God and nothing/nobody will shake or change that (and believe me, Satan has tested that several times in my life)

2) I never completely give up on things that are important to me. I'll start over...over and over. (I was thinking here mostly about things I want to accomplish for myself, like being healthy or losing weight or growing closer to loved ones or God or using my talents)

3) I like that I'm left-handed. It's not a big important attribute, but I've always liked being just a little different in that way, even when it causes a slight problem or difficulty...I still like it! (I was also very happy that one of my children turned out left-handed too...silly, but I love it!)

4) Even though modern thought is that people are not right- or left-brained, but that the two halves of the brain are integrated...and I believe that, to a certain extent. But I feel my right-brain is stronger and I appreciate that, having a more artistic brain. But I know my verbal side is strong too, so they work well together. Go me!

5) I like the physical body that the Lord gave me (the part I'm not happy about we won't get into right now...I have several thoughts about that). Specifically, I like my height (which is just right for my spouse), my hair (still thick and pretty at my age), my nails (hard and shapely), my hands and feet (especially with a nice pedicure!), my blue eyes, my smile (which perfect strangers have occasionally told me is beautiful, lol). Thank you, Lord, I really like the way you made me physically.

6) I like being from the South, born in Arkansas and raised in Texas. Another thing that I didn't have any control over, but I'm still happy about it.

7) I'm happy that I come from a musical family and have a natural love of and ability in music. It has been a huge part of my life.

8) I like that I'm a writer and an artist, and sometimes crafter. I feel very fulfilled when I actually complete a project. (see, expanded from #4)

9) I like that I have somewhat of a natural sports ability. I enjoy sporting activities (some), and I can improve and be competitive with practice. That goes well with my naturally competitive nature (bonus thing I like...my competitive nature...usually)

10) I like that, with the Lord's help, I'm able to persevere through difficult things (like my vocal problem or seizures or my worsening knee), and work on myself and still be happy a lot of the time. What a blessing.

So, there you go. There ARE things I like about me, and on days when I'm being particularly hard on myself about something or other that I'm not accomplishing, maybe I can learn to pull this list up in my head and feel better! Then there's always dancing around the living room. That helps too! Take it easy, babe...you got this.

Mondays Are Difficult

 I was trying to figure out why that is...why Mondays are so hard for getting motivated. I didn't come up with a definitive answer, and you know what? It doesn't really matter WHY they're hard (they seem to be hard for most people), what matters is that sometimes I don't fight the lethargy, and sometimes I do. And I feel so much better if I can look back on the day and see that I gave it a try...I actually accomplished at least a little something. Even if it's just loading the dishwasher and running a load of clothes...lol, this is the barometer for least amount of effort. It's definitely about the least I can do. Hey, I can live with that sometimes.

Today I actually wrote a page on my book. That's a first in quite a while. Go me! And I WILL NOT judge the effort. It might be boring. It might not make that much sense contextually. Whatever. I'll take it. I did something.

I've started a few simple habits to get me going in the right direction (I discussed habits a couple of pages ago). Developing some better habits is on my mind a lot lately. 1) I make sure I wear workout clothes first thing in the morning. Sure, I haven't been doing much working out yet, but I'm wearing the clothes for it! That is the first step. 2) I make sure I write one thing I'm thankful for and one thing in my "one line a day" journal. I've actually been compiling a list of 10 things I like about myself (I thought 10 things would be simple...yeah---no). But when I get that finished in a couple of days, I'll blog about it! No, no...no previews. You'll just have to wait. ;) 

3) The biggest habit I'm developing so far is to eat very HEALTHY...I mean, really really healthy. NUTRITIOUSLY.  It's taking a lot of my concentration, because I'm working to totally change the way I think and feel about food and eating, permanently. I don't want to just eat healthier because "it's good for me", I want to be happy about it, satisfied with it. I want to actually PREFER and enjoy eating very healthy. It's a totally different mindset for me, trust me. I'm not perfect, I know I never will be...and I can be okay with that, as long as my HABIT becomes eating healthy the majority of the time. The motto of the author I've been reading, Dr. Joel Fuhrman, is "progress not perfection". That statement resonates with me because I've always been a perfectionist. I can't even count the number of times I've given up on a goal/habit when I couldn't be perfect or "fell off the wagon". This time I want to be patient with myself and not give up. I want to be happy with progressing and getting better at it, practicing until I get it right. I understand that there will never be total perfection with this...hey, I'm not giving up ice cream and cheesecake forever, but I can learn to be happy with having it occasionally and not weekly! I've been "practicing" for about 2 months now, and I see some improvement, but I backslide on a regular basis. I've been doing it long enough that I'm not making unhealthy choices unconsciously...I know full well when I'm making a choice that doesn't serve my health, but I still do it more often than I want to. I find myself making compromise choices at times, like eating pizza crust when I know it doesn't sit well on my stomach...but only one piece! Progress...

That's all for now. I know this eating healthy thing will come up again, because I'll need to vent about it every now and then. And I'll update as I add more good habits and try to break a few bad ones. Check off one more thing done today though!

Early Morning

I'm sitting here, slowly waking up and coming to life, thinking about the day and what I'm planning to do with it. Cup of coffee in hand, watching the dog sit in the open slider sniffing the air to see if there's anything interesting to investigate or bark at, I remember to thank the Lord for another summer day in Idaho. 

I love summer mornings here. It's juuuuuust right. The sun comes up pretty early this far north (and goes down pretty late!), it's light by 6:00, and it's cool, but not chilly. There's just a slight breeze, but not windy (usually). The air smells fresh and clean (as long as there's not a forest fire nearby...we haven't had any this summer yet). Perfect.

Best of all, it feels like the morning is just waiting for me. Waiting for me to make something of it, anticipating with bated breath what I might come up with. That feels good. One more morning in my life. God has already given me lots of days, good and bad, happy and sad, a never-ending variety...and I never know where each day is headed. How exciting!

Now that I'm retired, I get to choose what to do with each day. Yes, I still make plans and appointments, and I still have standing "dates", like church on Sundays and Wednesdays, and pickleball on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but a day like today is wide open with endless possibilities. I love that! But....but I've been retired for two years now, and I haven't made the most of two years' worth of possibilities. I've wasted so much time.

Oh, I can hear my children's voices in my head..."But you worked for a lot of years, Mom. You deserve to be a little lazy and just enjoy not working. Don't worry about it. Just relax and enjoy your retirement." That's well-meaning, and I know they love me dearly and want me to be happy. I'll admit I've enjoyed a lot of those lazy days. But come on, really? Two YEARS?? That's a LOT of lazy days. You can be relaxed and still be productive...there's got to be a balance. When I retired, I literally had a whole list of creative and organizational things that I wanted to do, that I finally had time to pursue. And I was excited about that. Then..........nothing...zilch...nada. (And I know some of the reasons for that inactivity, that lack of doing anything, but I'm not going to rehash all that now, or hopefully ever again...we're moving forward, not looking back)

What my kids don't hear yet, but I do loud and clear, is that big ole clock ticking in the back of my head, reminding me that my time is winding down, slowly but surely. Okay, I might live to be a hundred, who knows. In that case, I've still got 33 more years! Sounds like a lot. But what if...what if the Lord decides to take me tomorrow. I will have to answer to Him for two years wasted, not fulfilling my potential. Not DOING anything. Not working toward something, not using my gifts in any meaningful way. I'm not unaware of my various talents, I know I have several that I could be utilizing, some just for myself (as down on myself as I can be sometimes, I know I have value as a person with gifts that are unique and wonderful). :)

But I digress. Let's get back to time used or wasted. I'm more and more aware of how short our lives really are, and how much more quickly time seems to pass as we age. We "older" people get that. That's why I'm trying to work on some things, why I started posting to this blog again after several years. This feels like a safe space to explore my thoughts and feelings, to plan, to lament failures, and pat myself on the back when I get it right! And writing this page helps me get back to writing at all, which will encourage me to work on some creative writing...go me!

This "habit" book I'm trying to absorb stresses actually doing something, not forever planning to do something (lol, I've done a lot of planning, not doing, in my life). I hear you, Mr. Clear...loud and clear! To me, this page IS doing...not a whole lot, but it's a start. And on this beautiful summer morning I can be happy with that. Yes indeed. Now I'll take a look at the list of things I want to accomplish today...

Creating New Habits

Why am I able to start some good habits and to make them stick, and others, that I THINK I want just as badly to succeed, I just can't seem to do it. Am I not as committed? Do I secretly not believe in those particular goals? Is a part of me just stubborn or lazy? Am I merely not properly motivated? I have been genuinely baffled about this phenomenon off and on for years.

To help me in my quest to "improve" myself, to create some new healthy habits, I've been listening once again to the book "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. Now, I listened to this book once before and it did help me to start a few great habits that I'm still clinging to, years later (not sure how many years...I'd say at least 5). And YAY! I also found that I have the book on my Kindle app, so I can refer to stuff easier! I'm so excited about that...I was thinking I'd have to listen to the whole book AGAIN so I could take notes, but I can just skip to the parts I want....like....now!

Before I get to specifics about the "how" of developing my new habits, I want to explore some reasons I think a couple of my other habits were "easy" to get started and stick to, where others are so difficult at times to even start, much less stick to once I've started. Let's take two habits that I started some time in the last 5-20 years that have stuck and become automatic...or at least almost... (like they're supposed to), where I don't even have to think about them. They're just a part of my routine. One is flossing my teeth, and the other is reading my Bible every day.

Everyone has certain things that are very important to them, and a deep-seated dear wish/need for me is to draw ever nearer to my Creator. At one point, with a New Year's resolution, I made up my mind that one way to get closer to the mind of God would be to read His Word on a regular basis. To me it's like letting God in, letting Him talk to me daily. The part that could have been difficult was when to do it? When could I put it into my routine and have it stick? Well, this will sound silly but I found a habitual time of day when I literally wasn't doing anything productive...first thing in the morning, when I'm on the toilet. I know, I know....eeeeewwwwww. But stay with me here. (LOL, there's only one person who will read this, so I'm not too worried about grossing people out.)

I'm blessed (and cursed at times) with a very regular colon. Sometimes I can put it off for a while, even a few hours. But the vast majority of the time, within a half hour of getting up, I have GOT to go...no choice. And it's not a quick process. I live with a mate who can go in and be done within ten minutes! I am so envious of that ability. For various reasons, I am determined to only go once a day, so I must sit there and "get it all out", which takes 30-45 minutes. I've been this way for many years, so my mornings are regulated around it. Before I retired, I made sure I got up an hour and a half to two hours before I had to leave for work...plenty of time to sit a while, then shower and dress for work. So here's this time frame where it was easy to start a new habit and stick to it...and even like it (big reason for success in my book). 

I calculated how much I needed to read each day to read through the whole Bible in a year. I read four chapters per day while in the Old Testament, then once I get to the New Testament I read two chapters per day. And I usually finish by the end of November, so I go back and re-read Psalms, because it is the most enjoyable and uplifting book for me personally. I've been able to read through the whole Bible at least 4 times (I've kind of lost count by now). And every year, I glean some new insight into various books, chapters, verses. I don't feel pressured to do anything more than read. I get deeper study in several ways with my church family, so I can just let God talk to me every morning. It's satisfying. It's rewarding. It starts my day off better than if I sat there and played a mindless phone game (which is another habit I DON'T want that I'm working to rid myself of). There are so many ways I criticize myself and my bad habits, my imperfections, but this is ONE way I can feel good about a choice and a habit.

I'll make the other one quicker! Quite a few years ago now, at least 15, I was visiting the dentist and had my regular cleaning and checkup. The dentist came in and talked to me very frankly. He said they were going to have to do a deep-scale cleaning, which would take two visits. Okaaaaay (very unpleasant experience if you don't know...deep-scale means below the gum line, painful with quite a bit of bleeding...a thing I never wanted to repeat, big motivation right there). Then he looked me in the eye and told me if I didn't start taking much better care of my teeth and gums, I was going to start losing teeth. Now THAT struck a deep chord in me, because I came from a generation that did NOT floss. My parents didn't do that, and my grandparents certainly didn't do it. But the kicker is that ALL my grandparents had dentures by the time I came along, and my mother took pretty good care of her teeth, but had lost several of her back teeth by the time I was grown. My dad died pretty young, 48, but he had already lost several teeth by then too. I knew just one thing....I DID NOT WANT TO WEAR DENTURES. I wanted to keep my own teeth for as long as possible. It was a huge motivation for me.

We moved and I started with a new dentist soon after that, and after a year, the new dentist told me I must be doing something right, because my gums looked 10 years younger. Hallelujah! That too made a huge impression on me. I felt so great about that. But still, flossing is an up and down habit, much harder to maintain, because I just can't seem to make myself do it daily...it's tedious and there's nothing fun or uplifting about it, except the satisfaction of having done it. My goal is to do it at least 3 times a week, and when I manage that my semi-annual cleanings go well and quickly, with very little bleeding. But since I retired, the dental habits have been more sporadic, and I'll admit it, lazier. My last visit was a reminder of my goal! More scraping, more bleeding, some gingivitis, according to the hygienist. Wake up call! This is the first visit in many years where the lady cleaning my teeth hasn't praised me for my good habits. That's IT, baby. Back to basics for me. But that means getting back to a good habit, which I thought I'd never have to start again. Never say never! But I'm determined to improve, have an easier cleaning, and get praised again!! 

Okay, so now I've told about starting and keeping (or not) two good habits. We'll analyze how to accomplish that again. Next time....

SIX AND A HALF YEARS - WOW!

 Hey, guess what? I haven't changed. Not even a little bit. Oh, I have a few new bits of news in my life (like being retired, in so-so health, and discovering the joy of pickleball), and there have been lots of changes around me. But me, as a person, haven't changed at all. I'm still the same whiner I was 6.5 years ago. I'm still anxious and dissatisfied about the same things I was back then. I know that because I went back and read quite a few of my old posts, and BOY, do I sound like a broken record. I'll bet my husband and kids get really sick of my moaning and groaning about myself. "So stop griping already and DO something," I'm sure they're thinking to themselves.

And you know what? That's okay. It's okay that I'm the same person I've always been, with the same strengths and weaknesses. I'm okay with that. I realize I can't change my basic personality and nature. And that's okay too. I like me just fine, thank you very much. No, I'm never satisfied with my habits or my lack of ambition. I'm a perfectionist, I'll own that. But looking back, there's one thing that I can't complain about, that I can actually be proud of. I never give up. I never let my inadequacies get me down altogether. I keep on trying. I keep on looking for ways to improve myself and my habits. I keep setting goals and trying to reach them (and hey! sometimes I actually succeed!).

I have a good life, and I'm so grateful for it. I'm a child of God, who loves me and saved me from my sins (and loves me in spite of my imperfections and complaining about them). He created me, and He did a great job. It's up to me to make something of it. I have a sweet and loving husband that I still love and LIKE. Someone who cares for me and fusses over me when I need it and lets me fuss over him when he needs it. I have children and grandchildren that I love dearly and who love me back. I have a church family that cares for me and lets me be myself but always encourages me forward. I have friends and loved ones all across the nation. I have a home and a car and plenty of "stuff" to feel comfortable and satisfied materially. 

I have talents and abilities that I want to develop further, and PRAISE THE LORD, my mind still works just fine. And that's what I want to explore. Ways to improve my habits and productivity (and health). No whining, no complaining, no hating myself and my shortcomings. Just journalling the journey. Let's see where it goes.

Stick-to-it-iveness

Hi, followers (and others),

I have written at length in the past about my "procrastination challenge." Hmmmm. Well. I have another personality challenge to share with you all. Aren't you just itching to know all about it? I know, my life is full of exciting and juicy details and adventures. Hold onto your hats, it's another doozy. No clues from the title, huh?

I have a small problem not finishing what I start. A problem with getting started AND with completing things?? NO! Say it ain't so! It's true. I have a long history of giving up on projects looooong before they're done. For various reasons....I get bored with it, it's not as fun to do as it was to think about doing, it's too hard, it's not going the way I envisioned, I've hit a wall with ideas or ways to overcome a problem, I just don't have a passion for it, I just don't like it! Hence, my long list of unfinished projects. Once in a while, I have even been known to throw something away if I absolutely don't want to go back to it, but looking at it makes me feel guilty for not completing it (case in point...I started a cross stitch picture of a swan for my mother one year...for Christmas...and was probably 80% done with it when I stopped working on it. I just didn't finish it. I didn't want to finish it, I was so sick of that stinkin' swan. I didn't want to look at it ever again, for reasons I don't want to go into...but it took me at least 5 years to finally get rid of it, because I kept thinking I SHOULD finish it, when my sister told me to stop feeling guilty about a dumb picture and toss it...so I did). That's just one example and one reason....it feels like there are myriads of both.

Not that I NEVER finish anything, of course I do! But just like getting STARTED on a project, I have to have a good REASON to do it, and I have to have the proper passion or motivation to FINISH one also. Like it's a gift for someone else or someone is really counting on me to do it....that's usually a good one to get me to start AND finish something. Usually, but not always.... and just because I thought of it and it's a really good idea and I get excited about it, that's not usually enough to keep me going all the way to completion. And I'm not sure why (LOL, this is where my not really caring enough about the why to pursue it comes in!). Probably because I get overwhelmed with the magnitude of the project, I get daunted with the seemingly ENDLESS steps to the project. For example, I have a really good idea for a children's book, and even started planning the storyboard and watercolors for it and taking pictures to paint from, and ALMOST got the first painting started....a year ago. Doing a project just for myself? Uh, no. Rarely. Even when I know deep down it could be GREAT? No.

Perhaps, in some way, I don't feel worthy to invest the time and effort just for my own pleasure or feeling of accomplishment. It's only worth doing if it's for someone else. Yeah, that sounds about right. Putting it on paper, right out there in the light of day, it sounds really dumb. But false negative self-perceptions are really dumb, however real they feel and damaging they ARE. I will just keep fighting against those lies, those damaging feelings. And yeah, I have several new ideas. I wonder where they will take me? Anywhere? I have hope.

Post-Move Update

Hey, my faithful few!

Well, as most of you know, I DID finally start packing boxes...about 10 days before my move to the little rural burg of Caldwell, Idaho. It got done, with the help of several good friends, who kept me moving forward and somewhat focused on the task. And I was able to downsize and de-clutterfy (of course that's a word!) quite a bit. I had no choice, the house we bought is literally half the size of our old Big House. I couldn't be happier with the size of this house! So many LESS places to stash unneeded stuff!! Of course, once we were moved in, I came to the realization that I can do without about 5 or 6 more boxes worth of stuff. Ah well, I'll get to that a little at a time. Now that I have fewer things, I find I really really like that. I want less.....and less!

The slight problem I am now faced with...we have a storage unit (weeelllll, actually 2) full of boxes and boxes of stuff I don't want in my house, stuff I was planning to put in a yard sale, a yard sale I no longer want ANY part of! Ugh, no way. Lesson learned. Don't hang on to stuff at all, unless you're really committed to making a little money and putting in the huge effort to make that little bit of money. Ah well, most of it I will just make my hubby and son take to the thrift store! Not my problem...teehee. I do have several pieces of decent furniture that we plan to sell on Craig's List, but that too will have to wait until hubby is ready to do it, when he's finally completely fed up with paying that storage rental fee every month. It will happen soon enough.

Moved in, mostly decorated (only have pictures left to hang), grass in the front and back yard, weeds almost under control...not too bad for being here 4 1/2 months already! I like coming home to this house now, and I love that it still has that new house smell, even with a big ole dopey dog. It makes me happy to have new for the first time in about 28 years. I just LOVE new. Really really.

Procrastinator, Thy Name is ANN.

Oooooh yeah, that's me. I put off everything! You may think I'm exaggerating, but really...most of the time, most of the things. I procrastinate housework. I procrastinate laundry. I procrastinate kitchen cleaning. I procrastinate getting up in the morning (just long enough that I'm always about two minutes late for work...our company grants us a ten minute window, so that it's not really a big deal and no one is waiting on me to clock in for their lunch or anything; the first two to three hours of my day I'm working on my own...but still....I've been trying so HARD the past year to clock in ON TIME that I get very frustrated with myself).

I am currently procrastinating packing boxes for an upcoming move (which is just craziness, because I've begun to look forward to moving, and am VERY excited about cleaning out a bunch of stuff accumulated over the last eight years we've lived in the Big House. I really like tossing stuff and simplifying and starting fresh in a new place). I've had a whole bunch of boxes sitting in my dining room for about five days. I have tape. I have markers. I have a notebook to record the contents of each packed box and which room it will go to. I have a general plan for the flow of my packing. And yet....have I packed a single box? Nope. When am I going to get started anyway? Dunno. I'll get to it! It's most likely because it is a HUGE and daunting task, and I'm overwhelmed. Yeah, that's it.

I honestly haven't a clue why I am this way (I'm really not much of a navel-gazer unless forced into it). And it seems that I have this innate ability to push starting things until the very last minute that I will be able to get it done on time (yes, occasionally I miscalculate and have to scramble to get something finished). I have, once in a blue moon, started early on a project to give myself plenty of time to perfect it...but I have to be over-the-moon excited about it or very nervous about failure. There has to be great emotion attached. Generally, I guess I'm apathetic about many things. This is not a good thing, guys.

Anyway, I'll bet there are some of you out there who have the same struggle (I really want to say "character flaw" but I don't want to be as hard on the rest of you as I am on myself). Each day I make a plan and resolve to start on this monumental task. Each day I come home from work tired and don't do a thing about it (if only my daughter were here...she'd give me the gentle shove/kick in the pants I need to get going; once I'm moving I have the tendency to keep moving until it's finished...a body in motion and all that). It will get done, just like everything else eventually gets done. I just don't keep up with the pace as well as I used to, or bounce back from total exhaustion as easily. If I wait too long to start, I will be killing myself to get finished. Eeeeeeek! I need to start!

I Still Have A Voice

Yes, I have a voice! Well no, not literally....but I still have plenty to say. I can be a real chatterbox, just ask my family, if they still remember that.

For those of you who know the old me, the talkative me, you'd probably be surprised by how quiet I have become. It wasn't by choice, but by a....well, I want to say a mean twist of fate or an act of God...but not knowing the mind or workings of the Lord I will say it is just how things have turned out. My voice is my "thorn in the flesh," and I alternate between begging God to fix it and asking for the patience to endure.

I have what is called "spasmodic dystonia," a neurological disorder that supposedly only 2% of the population has. Yeah, pretty rare. Personally, I think that percentage is a little higher, because I think there are a lot of older people out there who just think it's a sign of aging and don't seek treatment for it. After all, it's annoying but not life threatening (which is the reason there is little research going on for it). Hey, we even have our own "society" and website to keep us updated on it and tell us if there are any new procedures to help it (so far there aren't). Basically, my brain miscommunicates with my vocal cords and makes them spasm when I try to talk. You can have "adductor," "abductor", or add a tremor in there (I think my aunt on my mother's side had the tremor, thinking back).

It started about 12 years ago, while we still lived in California. It was intermittent so I wasn't that concerned. I actually thought maybe it was something due to sinus problems that I had most of the time. My doctor prescribed a nasal spray, which I tried for about a month, but I hated using it and it made my eyes dry out which affected my contact wearing (plus it didn't help my voice a bit). Then she sent me to a speech therapist who told me I talked in too low a register, and I should practice talking higher...you know, like Minnie Mouse. Have you ever tried doing that? Totally changing the register that you use to talk? Not just for funnsies or putting on an accent, but permanently. Not happening, folks. I'm not proud of it, but I laughed at her. I knew deep down that wasn't the answer. So I just lived with it. But I held a grudge about the speech therapist who didn't seem to know what she was talking about (more about that in a bit).

Ever so gradually, my voice got worse. Sometimes it would just "choke up," like someone was holding my throat in a tight grip. It didn't hurt (still doesn't, thank the Lord), but I would sound like I was about to cry, that chokey sound, especially when I was stressed or nervous, or embarrassed, or angry. People would get that concerned look and say, "Are you alright?" Yes, I'm fine....but so embarrassed about it.

It finally got so bad that I Googled my symptoms and found the Spasmodic Dystonia website. My symptoms fit to a tee. Chokey sounding or raspy or whispery, but you can yell past it (yes, I can still yell when the occasion calls for it, but I kind of have to gear myself up for it, it takes extra concentration and effort), other normal sounding things are laughing or one-word answers...weird huh? My laugh sounds like it always did, but again, who can go through life talking while they laugh??? It's a very odd malady. Some people can even sing just fine, even though they can't talk. Me? Mostly no.

After I felt pretty sure about what was plaguing me, I went to my GP here in Boise, who recommended a vocal therapist (one of the best in Boise), and this is different from a speech therapist, because she specializes in problems with vocal cords and not speech patterns. She was wonderful, I must say. She was kind and patient and informative. I told her my history and my grudge against the speech therapist, and she kindly pointed out that this problem was just coming to light in the last few years, and that my speech therapist and my doctor had probably never even heard of it at that point. Okay, okay, I guess I can let it go then. Unfortunately, she couldn't help me much, but she tested me vocally (mostly reading things out loud), and recommended a good ENT doctor for me to go see, to confirm her theory and make a diagnosis. He was really nice also, and confirmed her diagnosis.

Here's where it gets more frustrating for those of us suffering with this problem. As I said, there is not much research in this area because it's not life threatening. They can't operate on that part of the brain that's causing the problem, because it's in too risky a spot near the brain stem. The only two treatments for this (at this time) are surgery where they pretty much take your vocal cords totally apart and put them back together (and it's very expensive, takes a year to fully recover, and there's no guarantee that it will work...usually does, but not always...oh, and I would have to travel to San Diego or Seattle to have it done)...or Botox injections in your vocal cords (pretty expensive also, and you have to have it done every 3-6 months depending on how well you respond to it). Uh yeah...no.

Well, that was my initial reaction, but I did end up trying that and it worked great for about a year. Then it stopped working. The first time it didn't work, I thought he had missed. That is possible. He does it with a tiny camera, and has me say "eeeeee" and when he sees the vibration on camera that's where he injects, on both sides. Not a pleasant experience, but I can endure almost anything for about the two minutes it takes for him to do it (the hardest part is trying my best not to cough, because that needle moving around and re-positioning around your airway makes you need to cough almost uncontrollably, and you really don't want to do that when he has a needle in there trying to find a sweet spot at $850 a pop). So I thought he missed. We talked and after a month, he offered to do it again for free. Still no difference. Talk about a disappointment.

So I have continued to "deteriorate" vocally. I can barely speak above a whisper now, and in customer service (where I help quite a few older hard-of-hearing people every day), it's a total pain in the neck...no pun intended. Almost EVERY. SINGLE. CUSTOMER  every day asks if I'm sick or if I've lost my voice, if I have laryngitis. Yeah. Every customer. Every day. All day. It's difficult to stay cheerful and smiling about it all the time. If they say, "Oh, have you lost your voice?" I just smile and nod. If they say, "Oh, are you sick? Have you caught that flu that's going around?" I just smile and whisper, "No, I'm fine." If they keep going, which they often do (hey, I know they're being nice, being helpful, being sympathetic....I get it....I remind myself of it constantly....but it is still soooooooo irritating sometimes), and start giving me laryngitis cures, I usually smile ruefully and say, "That won't help what I've got." My co-workers sometimes try to help me out and pipe up..."No she's not sick, that's the way she always sounds." Usually we can laugh about it, but they feel bad for me having to hear it all day. Even the regulars will occasionally say, "Do you STILL have no voice???" or "Oh, hasn't gotten any better, huh?" Sigh..........no, no better.

Yeah, yeah....poor poor pitiful me. Yes, sometimes I get depressed about it (like on singing night at church...I used to love that so much...now, I would love to just listen, but I know God wants me to do what I can to praise Him, and I know I still sound lovely to Him...AND in heaven, I will once again be able to sing out, I just know it!!!). Sometimes I have just had enough by the time I get home and do NOT want to try to talk any more (which doesn't always wash with an eight-year-old who is very chatty when he gets home from school...I let him do most of the talking). Sometimes I get really REALLY close to losing it when I have to repeat myself three times at home. I have been known to yell just so I won't have to repeat it. Again. And then I sound angry and get hurt looks. I'm not angry, not really. Just frustrated and tired of the trying. Ugh.

All that very long explanation to say that I still want to communicate. I still have something to say (once in a while). Maybe I'll do it here. You'll let me have a voice here, right? Of course you will. Thanks, guys.

January 1, 2019

Yep, it's me. Yes, it's been a long long time since I posted on this blog. In fact, I'm surprised it's still here! I haven't posted anything in about 18 months. The time sure flies when you're doing nothing creative or interesting. I have been floundering in some ways, flourishing in others. More floundering than the other I will freely admit.

I have been really procrastinating making any kind of concrete goals this year, and that sort of bums me out, because most years I create and hone and fine tune my goals for at least a couple of weeks before THE BIG DAY (all caps in my head...starting a new year is a big deal to me). I love that process...usually. Perhaps this year is different because I've already been working on several good habits the last few years, and it feels slightly redundant to make goals that I'm already pursuing. Perhaps it's the post-holiday exhaustion blahs. Maybe I'm just feeling apathetic toward improvement in general (not that I don't recognize the need for it...as I've stated elsewhere, I know I'm a work in progress). And it could be that due to impending changes in our household in the next several months, I just don't want to think about anything deep (I've always struggled with major change, it is really gut-wrenching for me...I normally don't handle it well and feel totally overwhelmed/stressed/exhausted).

Whatever the reason, I am not feeling particularly ambitious about myself or goal-setting this year. But I slogged through the mire in my mind and have come up with some worthwhile things to work toward. Now if I can just state them coherently....

The following SEVEN areas of my life I have adopted from The Slight Edge. They are placed in the order that the book puts them in, and do not reflect their priority order in my life. I am working to be a well-rounded, content, loving, generous, wise Christian who is in relatively good health physically, mentally, spiritually. I will list a goal, then one or two (or three) daily habits to help me achieve it.

HEALTH -

Since I'm turning 60 this year, I need to make my physical health a major priority. I still struggle toward losing 50 pounds to complete a vow I made to myself waaaaaaay back in 2009. 40 to go...
Small daily habits - clean fast at least 16 hours per day, 15 minutes of some type of exercise, lots of water!

HAPPINESS -

Keeping in mind that service to others helps foster happiness and contentment, I will work to incorporate "others" into more than one of my areas. But I'm especially working on the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5.
Small daily habits - write three things I'm thankful for in my journal, conscious act of kindness toward someone other than family (I can always find an extra kindness to show someone where I work, either a customer or coworker)

RELATIONSHIPS -

I want to continue working on a close relationship with my physical and spiritual families. Having brethren into our home on a regular basis is important to me.
Small daily habits - write a note to someone, either mail, email, or text - 5 people per week (this includes some to physical family members), do a household chore to help keep our home inviting and "company ready", invite a different family from church over for a meal at least once a month

SPIRITUAL/PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT -

Since this is the most important category for me, it will necessarily have the most good habits to work toward, the most time invested and the most daily things to do. The only concrete goal is to read the whole Bible in a year.
Small daily habits - read three chapters in the Bible, work on memory verses (using Scripture Typer app), pray at least twice a day, do Lumosity (another app) brain games and word puzzles, read at least 10 pages of an uplifting or educational or helpful book

FINANCES - 

Our whole family is planning a Disneyland vacation in the fall of 2019, so I'm saving $100 per month by purchasing stock from my paychecks. I'm also going to save $200 from each bonus check this year (3). I don't know if that will be enough, but if not we'll keep planning for next year!

CAREER -

I'm working toward retirement in 5 years (hopefully, if all goes well...Lord willing), and I plan to simplify and downsize my "stuff" during the next year. Since I'm not much of a pack rat, that shouldn't be too painful or daunting.
Small daily habits - Do my best at work and at home, sort through stuff in every room and the dungeon (basement storage area) a little every day (just 5 minutes will make a dent quickly) and donate (or sell) at least one box/bag per week, plus at least one filled trash bag per week

POSITIVE IMPACT ON THE WORLD - 

I'm not always sure what this looks like. I do small things like recycling and reusing things. I donate a lot more used things than I sell, I give to charities on a regular basis that I believe are worthwhile (and usually local, benefiting people here in the Boise area). I'm always on the lookout for ways to help, especially brethren that have a need. And I'm open to suggestions....

PLEASE NOTE THAT THERE ARE NO ARTISTIC/CREATIVE GOALS IN THIS LIST, AS IS MY CUSTOM. Recently I have done a lot of soul-searching and come to the painful conclusion that setting big lofty artistic goals and having major projects is not practical at this time in my life, and only puts undue pressure on myself, causing so much unnecessary stress. I have so many things that I want to do, want to pursue, but my attention and my care are very much needed elsewhere, especially in my home, for my family. So I will be creative when there is spare time and when the mood strikes, and we'll keep it loose and stress-free (my son and I have set up an "art date" once a week just to keep me doing something). Those big ideas and projects are mostly written down and they're not going anywhere. Lord willing, they'll be there in a few short years, when my attention is not quite so in demand. Time. Time is very precious and every moment needs to count and be used with gratitude, as we "older" folks learn with each swiftly passing year. I waste and carelessly toss aside too much of it, and I need to use it more wisely....and for others.

So there it is. That's my list, my goals, my daily habits. Make of it what you will, at least I finally finished this post....and it's only January 6!

Book Review --- Sort Of

I recently tried reading a book titled The Laws of Simplicity by Jon Maeda. I slogged through the first two or three chapters, then skimmed ahead to see if there was going to be anything I could glean for myself from this very technical book. There wasn't.

Don't get me wrong, it is a well written book with some very good insights for today's technological age and business climate. I think business owners could gain a great deal from it, especially if you have a product to produce and sell, or need some insights in marketing your product or services. But it was a hard read (my impatience rears its ugly head here), and because there was no clear cut value obvious for personal growth, I gave up on it (and it is a rare occasion that I don't read a book cover to cover...I always feel I should give the author every opportunity to touch me).

My thinking is there are literally thousands of self help and personal growth books out there. I would probably not be able to read all of them in a lifetime, so I can discard one that is not immediately helpful or is obviously out of my league, like this one.

I am currently reading one book and alternately listening to another one on audiobook. I'll be able to review both of those soon. In the meantime, I'll keep working on my baby steps.....falling down....laboriously pulling myself up again.....never giving up.

Another Finished Project --- This Time Finished By ME

This is a quick update to show an item on my "unfinished business" list that I actually completed (instead of my son doing it for me). I've had this photograph for several years of my brother-in-law, which I thought to do a black and white wash of. I love this photo, so it's been in my head for quite some time. I may still try a grayscale watercolor of it, but because I was just trying to get myself to do something, ANYTHING, I did a pencil drawing of it instead. I did put some time in on it, probably 4-5 hours (I'm really not sure, because I started it back in February and just made myself get back to it last week), but to perfect it would have taken at least another 2-3 hours, and I wasn't looking for perfection, just doing the work.

Just so you know, I'm like any other artist that ever lived; I don't like sharing my work unless I'm really happy with it, but I do partly to acknowledge to myself that I completed something and not to belittle that in my head, and partly to encourage others to chase their dreams. If I can make myself work in spite of all my fears, others can too. So here it is....perhaps I'll title it, "Man in Suit and Hat".