I cannot believe we are already two weeks into 2017 and I am just now posting for the first time this year! Sigh. Just not enough hours in the day........not. enough. And yet, I'm exhausted at the end of the ones I do have, so I suppose it's just as well, isn't it?
So many things bubbling in my head today. You might be wondering how I'm doing on those many and wondrous goals I have set for myself this year. So many goals, so much chaos in my head! Well, let's see, I have been reading the Bible most days since sometime in December, so I'm a little ahead of the curve on that one. But here's the deal, I'm trying very hard to start reading the Bible to my grandson for 30 minutes most days, so I'm going to have to count that into my reading. He chose for us to start in Exodus, which coincidentally I was already starting to read for myself, so I think I'll concentrate on the Old Testament with him for now, and I'll make sure I read at least one chapter in the New Testament every day to compensate for the rest of my reading schedule. I think that will cover that part.
I have begun again The Traveler's Gift, and am committing to memory decision for success #1. I have several scriptures to go with this, and I'm going to choose two of them and add them to my Scripture Typer list to help me memorize them. Also, hubby and I were given a "couples devotional" type book by a friend, with 365 short devotions to do together, so we're doing that before bed at night. So far we like it pretty well.
I am, of course, struggling with my daily schedule, always changing when to do stuff and how to fit things in, and the list of things I want to get done on a daily basis. I was trying to do one basic chore every day, but I just don't think I'm going to be able to do that...there are just too many variables to my afternoons. Since I have Mondays off, I am trying to get at least two or three of them done on that day, and if I alternate a couple of them each week, at least the basics will get done every other week, and I think I can live with that. I'm not doing the kitchen and laundry every single day, but I'm keeping up with them pretty well. While my grandson was on Christmas vacation, the house stayed a wreck, but now that he's back in school, I'm able to stay on top of straightening a little better also.
Much as I hate to admit it, I think I'm going to have to exercise first thing in the morning during the winter months (which means getting up another half hour earlier --- ugh), not trying to do it after work for some of the same reasons as the chore thing, but also because I'm so tired after work that I just want to lie down and rest for half an hour when I get home, before cooking dinner. That may change with some herbs I'm going to try (more about that in a bit), but until I gain more energy, early morning will have to be it, except on Sunday and Monday (my days off). Since you don't know my daily schedule, I'll tell you. I have to be at work at 6am, and I currently try to get up at 4, but more often than not it's 4:30. If I'm going to exercise at least 30 minutes, I'll have to get up at 3:30....urghhhhhhhhh. I don't see any way around it!
As for my eating habits, they are a work in progress. For the moment, I'm trying to drink a lot more water and cut out almost all white sugar. I'm working toward a simplified "paleo" approach, which will basically be a lot more vegetables, some protein with each meal, good fats, limited fruit, low carb, but healthy ones, healthy grains on a limited basis, no white sugar or flour. I will probably allow myself one cheat meal per week (not a whole day!). One of the hardest habits for me to develop....it takes a LOT of pep talking to myself!
Ah yes, the Creative ME.....yes, she has been totally neglected so far, but I'm going over my goals for this year at least a couple of times per week, which helps keep them at the forefront of my mind. And see? I'm writing this blog.....finally....which is on my creative list of things to do. So it's a teeny tiny baby step of creativity but it IS being creative to write. So it serves a dual purpose. I'm holding myself accountable to my goals and I'm being creative at the same time.....well, at least relatively so. I know this post isn't particularly creative, or even interesting, but it's a start. I'll work on entertaining you later. Ha!
Well, there ARE other goals that I'm going to work on, but that's more talk for another day. For now, I'm pooped and going to toddle off to bed. Ta-ta, dear readers. Stay with me, it will get better....hopefully.
Friday, January 13, 2017
Monday, November 28, 2016
HOW THINGS CHANGE.....AND YET, STRANGELY, STAY THE SAME
I look back on my goals from 2015 (that I was quite thorough and eloquent about, as I reread them!), and can hardly believe that was almost 2 years ago. If I'm honest with myself, and I want to be that even if it's painful, I can't even remember why I dropped that process so quickly. Less than 2 months, and I wasn't even posting here anymore. Trust me when I say that I thought about it the whole year. I didn't just forget or shrug and say, "Eh, whatever." I just let myself get distracted. That's so easy to do. Life just rushes in and takes away my will to accomplish anything for myself. I use the excuse that I don't have time to focus on my own things, then feel resentful and bitter about that, when the truth is I'm wasting valuable time on my phone and tablet!
2015 wasn't such a big year of changes within my life and my family's, until the end of the year. Oldest son got a new job that paid more, daughter's husband was in a preacher training program, here in our city. Younger son was sticking with a painting job and raising his son, with our help. At the very end of the year, son-in-law got into a good, but intensive, one-year preacher training in California (16 hour drive from here). So I had to say good-bye to my daughter after being together in this place for about 8 years.
2016 saw even bigger changes. I've been at the same job now for 4 years. Our household has been eight people since 2011, and this year 4 of them moved out into their own space, which is a wonderful step for them. I'm still getting used to that! In the middle of the year, I was diagnosed with a minor form of uterine cancer and had the first major surgery of my life (hopefully the last!), a complete hysterectomy. The upside to that was I did enjoy being at home for half the summer. Everything is good, and I'm back to work full time. I have a feeling there will be some more major changes in 2017. Change is exciting and scary and stressful all at once. I've not been very good with change in the past, but the last few years I have worked to be more accepting and peaceful with it.
So, things change and yet stay the same. I'm still the same person. I still struggle with the same things I always have (and I know this because I complained about the same feelings in journals years ago). It seems I'm never happy with myself. I find it such an exhausting chore just to exist on a daily basis at times. I want more than that...so much more. I want joy and peace. I want to greet each day with renewed enthusiasm and energy. I want to make the most of each and every day....because, as a good friend repeats to herself and anyone that will listen (!), "We only get today, it's the only one we're promised." And that is a basic profound truth that we all have a tendency to brush off and say, "yeah, yeah." YES! One day at a time. That's all I'm given, to cherish as precious and pursue with gusto, or to undervalue (that's putting it nicely) and waste being stressed and depressed and apathetic.
I will interject here that I REALLY don't want to feel stressed/depressed/apathetic, but I have spent quite a bit of time in that unhappy and unproductive state in my life. And I am fully aware that it's very hard to conquer those feelings, especially when major depression runs deeply in my family. So some of it may be chemical or hormonal, I'm not ruling that out. And I'm not totally against taking medication to help, and I am taking vitamins to see if there is a specific vitamin or mineral missing that I need. I'm trying to avoid foods that I know don't help my mood (corn, specifically). But I haven't consistently tried to change my thinking and habits to help myself, and that's what I want to do, starting now.
Another challenge I face is that I'm fairly certain I'm ADD. I've never been diagnosed, but looking back on my childhood there was a clear pattern of daydreaming and inattentiveness in school and at home (and being able to tune out everyone and everything when I'm concentrating hard on something). I have learned over my fifty-something years to cope with my attention problems, especially when there is an "event" looming or a deadline of some kind. I can get things done and stay on task when it's absolutely necessary, but in my everyday life it is a constant struggle. So it's one of the things to tackle when making goals and trying to develop good habits. I must constantly (by that I mean DAILY) remind myself of my goals and how I plan to accomplish them.
2015 wasn't such a big year of changes within my life and my family's, until the end of the year. Oldest son got a new job that paid more, daughter's husband was in a preacher training program, here in our city. Younger son was sticking with a painting job and raising his son, with our help. At the very end of the year, son-in-law got into a good, but intensive, one-year preacher training in California (16 hour drive from here). So I had to say good-bye to my daughter after being together in this place for about 8 years.
2016 saw even bigger changes. I've been at the same job now for 4 years. Our household has been eight people since 2011, and this year 4 of them moved out into their own space, which is a wonderful step for them. I'm still getting used to that! In the middle of the year, I was diagnosed with a minor form of uterine cancer and had the first major surgery of my life (hopefully the last!), a complete hysterectomy. The upside to that was I did enjoy being at home for half the summer. Everything is good, and I'm back to work full time. I have a feeling there will be some more major changes in 2017. Change is exciting and scary and stressful all at once. I've not been very good with change in the past, but the last few years I have worked to be more accepting and peaceful with it.
So, things change and yet stay the same. I'm still the same person. I still struggle with the same things I always have (and I know this because I complained about the same feelings in journals years ago). It seems I'm never happy with myself. I find it such an exhausting chore just to exist on a daily basis at times. I want more than that...so much more. I want joy and peace. I want to greet each day with renewed enthusiasm and energy. I want to make the most of each and every day....because, as a good friend repeats to herself and anyone that will listen (!), "We only get today, it's the only one we're promised." And that is a basic profound truth that we all have a tendency to brush off and say, "yeah, yeah." YES! One day at a time. That's all I'm given, to cherish as precious and pursue with gusto, or to undervalue (that's putting it nicely) and waste being stressed and depressed and apathetic.
I will interject here that I REALLY don't want to feel stressed/depressed/apathetic, but I have spent quite a bit of time in that unhappy and unproductive state in my life. And I am fully aware that it's very hard to conquer those feelings, especially when major depression runs deeply in my family. So some of it may be chemical or hormonal, I'm not ruling that out. And I'm not totally against taking medication to help, and I am taking vitamins to see if there is a specific vitamin or mineral missing that I need. I'm trying to avoid foods that I know don't help my mood (corn, specifically). But I haven't consistently tried to change my thinking and habits to help myself, and that's what I want to do, starting now.
Another challenge I face is that I'm fairly certain I'm ADD. I've never been diagnosed, but looking back on my childhood there was a clear pattern of daydreaming and inattentiveness in school and at home (and being able to tune out everyone and everything when I'm concentrating hard on something). I have learned over my fifty-something years to cope with my attention problems, especially when there is an "event" looming or a deadline of some kind. I can get things done and stay on task when it's absolutely necessary, but in my everyday life it is a constant struggle. So it's one of the things to tackle when making goals and trying to develop good habits. I must constantly (by that I mean DAILY) remind myself of my goals and how I plan to accomplish them.
Monday, November 14, 2016
Whew! I did it!
Okay, peeps. I have completely updated my pages....goals, reasons for goals, ways to reach said goals. Take a look. And before you comment, I know there are a bunch of goals, lofty goals, practically unreachable goals. Hey, that's how I roll. I love to start a new year fresh and have plenty of things to work on. Looking back on 2015 when I last made such HUGE goals, I realize that I actually fulfilled some of them and came close with others. That makes me feel good. These new goals (some of which are really old goals that I still think I can fulfill, that I still WANT to fulfill) are completely reachable. It's not like I want to become a famous anything or blast off to another planet or create world peace. I want to work toward a closer relationship with God, finish my creative projects, lose 50 pounds. Not to much to ask. Totally reachable with patience, perseverance, focus, and self control. And I'm actually starting before the new year gets here to get a jump start on developing the good habits to achieve my goals. Stay with me. Help me. I know I can count on you to (at the very least) love me and pray for me. That's what I need. That's all I need. Thanks for your support!
Sunday, November 13, 2016
What do I want from myself? What do I NEED?
I've been over and over this in my head for years. Don't misunderstand me. I have a strong faith that says my #1 priority in life is to love God and love my neighbor as myself. I want more than anything to spend eternity with my Creator when I die. Nothing trumps that, nothing is before that.
That being said, I also believe there are many many ways to show God that I love Him, to bring glory to His name, to love my neighbors. I try my best to study God's word and follow all that He commands me, to the best of my ability and "at my current level of understanding" ( :-) ). I try to serve Him by serving my family and friends/strangers with love and generosity. But I desperately NEED to do something creative to serve Him also. I have a creative urge that just won't be silent, won't leave me alone, won't let me be joyful without fulfilling that part of my spirit.
My schedule is very tight. I have much to do on a daily basis. I'm getting older and my energy level is not what it used to be, especially since I had surgery 5 months ago. FINDING time to do that which calls to me is so difficult. Here's how I see my current schedule (and I know it won't be this way forever, but I no longer am willing to wait until I have "more time" to pursue creativity):
24 HOURS IN A DAY -- (?) means I'm either not currently doing this but want to, or not doing it that much)
-7 hours sleeping (wish it could be 8)
17 hours left
-10 hours prepping for work, working
7 hours left
- .5 hours moving my body (?)
6.5 hours left
- 1 hour in Bible study and prayer (?)
5.5 hours left
-1.5 hours cooking dinner and eating it (varies a little)
4.5 hours left
-1.5 hours cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, doing one daily chore (varies a little)
2.5 hours left
- 1 hour spent with family members (this is intangible of course, playing a game, watching TV with spouse talking with son, helping grandson with homework, etc - it's a conservative estimate that is hard to guess at and depends on the day and the activity)
1.5 hours left for creativity, more or less
Of course, this is all estimating. The only absolute is sleeping at least 6 hours a night and the 10 hours that I definitely spend on work stuff 5 days a week. I'm counting the above hours for work days. My days off are much looser, but I try to at least do the basics of keeping the house running on those days.
This last one and a half hours is usually spent plopped in front of the TV or playing something on my phone or tablet. I have this tiny little window of opportunity to use for myself, to use in a creative way, and I squander it, mostly. I don't consider myself a lazy person, but I am definitely a time waster after a long day of doing all the "supposed to's". I realize that I CANNOT be self-controlled and productive every waking moment of my life, that I have to be able to "waste" a small amount of time to decompress or unwind or I would expire from stress. My whole being completely rebels at that kind of structure. And that may be one of the reasons I've been depressed and apathetic. There are so many moments in my life that are required that I just don't want to do any more. So what do I do? How can I find that happy medium? That is exactly what I'm working on.......more to come.
That being said, I also believe there are many many ways to show God that I love Him, to bring glory to His name, to love my neighbors. I try my best to study God's word and follow all that He commands me, to the best of my ability and "at my current level of understanding" ( :-) ). I try to serve Him by serving my family and friends/strangers with love and generosity. But I desperately NEED to do something creative to serve Him also. I have a creative urge that just won't be silent, won't leave me alone, won't let me be joyful without fulfilling that part of my spirit.
My schedule is very tight. I have much to do on a daily basis. I'm getting older and my energy level is not what it used to be, especially since I had surgery 5 months ago. FINDING time to do that which calls to me is so difficult. Here's how I see my current schedule (and I know it won't be this way forever, but I no longer am willing to wait until I have "more time" to pursue creativity):
24 HOURS IN A DAY -- (?) means I'm either not currently doing this but want to, or not doing it that much)
-7 hours sleeping (wish it could be 8)
17 hours left
-10 hours prepping for work, working
7 hours left
- .5 hours moving my body (?)
6.5 hours left
- 1 hour in Bible study and prayer (?)
5.5 hours left
-1.5 hours cooking dinner and eating it (varies a little)
4.5 hours left
-1.5 hours cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, doing one daily chore (varies a little)
2.5 hours left
- 1 hour spent with family members (this is intangible of course, playing a game, watching TV with spouse talking with son, helping grandson with homework, etc - it's a conservative estimate that is hard to guess at and depends on the day and the activity)
1.5 hours left for creativity, more or less
Of course, this is all estimating. The only absolute is sleeping at least 6 hours a night and the 10 hours that I definitely spend on work stuff 5 days a week. I'm counting the above hours for work days. My days off are much looser, but I try to at least do the basics of keeping the house running on those days.
This last one and a half hours is usually spent plopped in front of the TV or playing something on my phone or tablet. I have this tiny little window of opportunity to use for myself, to use in a creative way, and I squander it, mostly. I don't consider myself a lazy person, but I am definitely a time waster after a long day of doing all the "supposed to's". I realize that I CANNOT be self-controlled and productive every waking moment of my life, that I have to be able to "waste" a small amount of time to decompress or unwind or I would expire from stress. My whole being completely rebels at that kind of structure. And that may be one of the reasons I've been depressed and apathetic. There are so many moments in my life that are required that I just don't want to do any more. So what do I do? How can I find that happy medium? That is exactly what I'm working on.......more to come.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Hey, Guess What?
I see by my dates that I haven't posted on this blog in almost 2 years. WOW. 2 years have just flown by, and 2016 might as well not even happened (in some ways, I would have preferred to just skip it, but we'll get into that later). But you know what? I love my little blog spot and I am back and ready to tackle myself again. I was re-reading some posts in 2015, and I really like what I had to say! I want (desperately) to hold myself accountable, especially creatively, so I'm going to try this again. We'll see where it takes me....I'm ruminating on some ideas for 2017 resolutions and goals and I'll come back to that too, soon. Suffice it to say that here I am, and I'll be letting everyone on FB know when I post stuff. So you three followers, if you're still out there, keep in touch, 'kay?
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
First Unfinished Business.....Now Finished
Yes! I am on my way, folks. I finished my first project that had been looming for months. And it turned out.....okay. I didn't like it (a watercolor), but since I painted for someone else, and since I am a "person of action" and therefore courageous, I gave it to the person anyway (she liked it just fine---whew). Anyway, it felt great to complete something, good enough to keep it up for another project. Now all these other projects start clambering for my attention and there are so many, it's hard to choose.....hmmm. I know, I know, just pick one. I think I shall. Go me! Here's the proof of my finished product (it looks better in a photo, by the way, than in real life).
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
I....AM....UNFINISHED
Yeah, I know, we all are. We never "arrive" completely, do we? How utterly boring life would be if there were no more challenges, no more good things to strive for? But occasionally it would be really nice if I could say to myself, "Okay! I totally nailed that one! Now I don't have to struggle with THAT any more...on to the next challenge!" But, hey, that NEVER happens. I can't think of one thing I have completely and forever conquered that I can ignore and never think of, ever again. Punctuality? Nope, not that one. Oh yeah, I have improved over the years, but I continually struggle to be on time almost daily. Organization? Weeelllll, again, better than I used to be, but my head....my life....my home....continue to verge on utter chaos (and the chaos drives me INSANE, but it still creeps in constantly). Just not my strong suit. Sticking to a schedule. Sigh. I fear that one is a lost cause, but I never completely give up. Somehow, I keep hoping that one day I will awaken and be a robot or something and able to leap whole lists in a single check mark! (Okay, mixed metaphors....so shoot me.) My weight? Puh-lease....don't EVEN get me started....
You get the idea. I really do have a whole laundry list of traits I would love to develop or acquire, and bad habits I would appreciate being rid of. I accept myself the way I am much better than I used to. Years ago, I honestly just wanted to become a completely different person (my sister).....and had endless frustration because it was never going to happen, no matter how badly I wanted it. But still....I have an artist's spirit and brain, with an accountant's love of orderliness. It's just that the artist is very dominant and seems to live for chaos and mess (or doesn't care ENOUGH about my other half to accommodate it). I still make lists, and I can accomplish the items on that list if I REALLY focus on it (like a big party or other occasion coming up, where I absolutely MUST get everything done on time)...but the down side to that is, that much effort and focus makes me very cranky and impatient (just ask my family). I still make schedules, even though deep in my heart I know that the effort is practically useless and I will never stick to a schedule for more than a few days at the most. It's like......my very BEING rebels at the thought of being restricted like that. It's hard to explain.
But the new year is my very favorite time. It's like a clean slate, just waiting to be filled with lovely things, and I have (Lord willing) a WHOLE YEAR to accomplish ideas and goals. Yes, I admit that I'm not always good at actually DOING the things I plan, but the planning is exciting and fulfilling, and MOST years I can check off several of the goals by the end of the year. And there have been a few wonderful years, where I accomplished quite a lot. Those years I feel so GREAT at the end of the twelve months....and that feeling is what keeps me trying, keeps me planning and scheming and trying new things. And this year is no exception. I have high hopes for 2019. My year of "Health and Home".
You get the idea. I really do have a whole laundry list of traits I would love to develop or acquire, and bad habits I would appreciate being rid of. I accept myself the way I am much better than I used to. Years ago, I honestly just wanted to become a completely different person (my sister).....and had endless frustration because it was never going to happen, no matter how badly I wanted it. But still....I have an artist's spirit and brain, with an accountant's love of orderliness. It's just that the artist is very dominant and seems to live for chaos and mess (or doesn't care ENOUGH about my other half to accommodate it). I still make lists, and I can accomplish the items on that list if I REALLY focus on it (like a big party or other occasion coming up, where I absolutely MUST get everything done on time)...but the down side to that is, that much effort and focus makes me very cranky and impatient (just ask my family). I still make schedules, even though deep in my heart I know that the effort is practically useless and I will never stick to a schedule for more than a few days at the most. It's like......my very BEING rebels at the thought of being restricted like that. It's hard to explain.
But the new year is my very favorite time. It's like a clean slate, just waiting to be filled with lovely things, and I have (Lord willing) a WHOLE YEAR to accomplish ideas and goals. Yes, I admit that I'm not always good at actually DOING the things I plan, but the planning is exciting and fulfilling, and MOST years I can check off several of the goals by the end of the year. And there have been a few wonderful years, where I accomplished quite a lot. Those years I feel so GREAT at the end of the twelve months....and that feeling is what keeps me trying, keeps me planning and scheming and trying new things. And this year is no exception. I have high hopes for 2019. My year of "Health and Home".
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